Copyright © 2018 by Mr. Boddington’s Studio

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Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1: CORRESPONDENCE

CHAPTER 2: GIFT-GIVING

CHAPTER 3: HOSPITALITY

CHAPTER 4: TABLE MANNERS

CHAPTER 5: SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

CHAPTER 6: WEDDINGS

CHAPTER 7: ABOUT TOWN

Dear Friend,

When I was a little tot, known then as Master Boddington, I spent the summers poking about my auntie’s rose garden. And during those summers, I observed her every move. I sat with her at her writing desk as she penned handsome correspondence to friends, sending out invitations and well-wishes. We had luncheon together most days, and she gently guided my table manners. And several times each summer I would creep downstairs after dark to watch the swirl and theater of her renowned parties, honoring this one’s marriage or that one’s birthday. She taught me that etiquette is not a stuffy box of rules that one puts on the shelf and glares at from the corners of one’s eyes. On the contrary, it is from her guidance that I realized manners are the simplest way to show love and respect to those we hold dear. Inside these pages are my tips for presenting yourself well, showing gratitude to friends and family, treating them kindly in return, and avoiding accidentally making a fool of yourself by using the wrong fork or asking the wrong question.

We can sort it out together, and have quite a fun time while we do it. I do hope you’ll join me.

My warmest regards,

Mr. Boddington

“But, Uncle, how do you expect me to use my fountain pen in these tempestuous high seas?” My nephew and I were bobbing about the Indian Ocean when I noticed him feverishly tap-tap-tapping away on his phone. I speculated aloud that if the yacht were to sink, my dear nephew would swiftly rescue his lovely phone and let the rest of us plunge to the bottom like pitiful little stones. Not at all amused, he shared that he was in fact e-mailing a thank-you note to Princess Juniper for hosting her recent punk-and-plaid party. I nearly fell off the stern in bafflement. Dear nephew, you should know that even if your penmanship looks like scribbles and is splattered with salt water, there is no substitute for a handwritten note of gratitude. He winked and said, “Just pulling your leg, old friend.”

ADDRESSING ENVELOPES

Once you have gone to the spectacular effort of writing a note, consider taking a moment to properly address the envelope. Below is a reference to keep at hand to help you sort out the details.

If a note or letter is handwritten, the address on the envelope should also be handwritten. If the correspondence is typed, preferably on your pond-blue Royal typewriter, you may either type or handwrite the address.

SINGLE FEMALE

Ms. Rosalind Barberini

SINGLE MALE

Mr. Barrett Bolsom Balasubramanian

DOCTOR AND SPOUSE

Dr. Cosmo Fairclough and Mrs. Isobel Fry

Dr. Flora Humphrey and Mr. Bert Humphrey

(The doctor’s name is always listed first, regardless of gender.)

MARRIED DOCTORS

Drs. Harriet and Bartholomew Moretti

or

The Doctors Moretti

MARRIED DOCTORS WITH DIFFERENT LAST NAMES

Dr. Wallace Padmore and Dr. Oppie Honeycutt

OTHER PROFESSIONAL TITLES AND SPOUSES

Captain Callie Clover and Mr. Oscar Clover

The Reverend Mr. and Mrs. Alger Leighton

Colonel and Mrs. Teddy English

(The person with the professional title is always listed first, regardless of gender.)

HETEROSEXUAL MARRIED COUPLE

Same last name:

Mr. and Mrs. Wolf le Clerc

Same last name and the lady prefers Ms.:

Ms. Eugenia Love and Mr. Luca Love

Different last names:

Ms. Dotty Wise and Mr. Salvatore Meyers

MARRIED WOMAN TAKING HER HUSBAND’S NAME

Mrs. Stella Luciano

or

Mrs. Marcus Luciano

or

Ms. Stella Luciano

MARRIED WOMAN KEEPING HER MAIDEN NAME

Ms. Coco Thibauld

HETEROSEXUAL UNMARRIED COUPLE

Ms. Adelaide Bassot and Mr. Ernest Bittencourt

SAME-SEX COUPLE (MARRIED OR UNMARRIED)

Mr. Leo Boulanger and Mr. Angus Perrottet

Ms. and Ms. Agatha and Maud Browning

(List the names in alphabetical order by last name.)

OTHER INDIVIDUALS AT THE SAME ADDRESS (FOR EXAMPLE, HOUSEMATES OR SIBLINGS)

Ms. Lacy Beauchamp

Ms. Rosa Millywise

(Place the names on two lines, in alphabetical order by last name.)

DIVORCED WOMAN

A divorced woman no longer uses her husband’s first name:

Ms. Isabella Greene

Many divorced women choose to revert to their maiden names:

Ms. Isabella Ickleheart

WIDOW

Traditionally, a widow keeps her late husband’s name if she has not remarried:

Mrs. Arthur Bixby

Or she may choose to use her own first name:

Mrs. Poppy Bixby

If you don’t know a widow’s preference, it is standard to use her late husband’s name.

Do note! (Mrs., Ms., or Miss?)

Girls are addressed as Miss until they reach sixteen to eighteen years of age. After that point, they become Ms. until they are married, when they may adopt Mrs.

Ms. is the correct form of address for an unmarried woman, though married women may choose to remain Ms. It is never used with a husband’s first name (Ms. Boris Aldrich would be incorrect, for example). Use Ms. as a default if you are unsure of a person’s age or marital status.

Mrs. is used for a married woman who has taken her husband’s last name, a divorced woman who has kept her husband’s last name, or a widow who has not remarried.

FORMATTING A SOCIAL LETTER

Hush those barking English springers! It is time to practice your penmanship and write your letters. In a dissected examination, the four parts of a proper letter appear on the following page.

1. THE HEADER The date goes in the top right corner. Go ahead and spell it out in full (June 12, 2017). Casual notes may omit the year or use just the day of the week, and your friend or relative will appreciate the inclusion of a return address above the date.

2. YOUR GREETING Using the classic Dear Frida is completely acceptable. Other favorites are Dearest, Good Morning (or Afternoon), My friend, or, if it is a letter of import, Dear Sir or Madam. In any case, the greeting enjoys its own line and is followed by a full line space to separate it from the letter.

3. YOUR MESSAGE Keep it tidy. Subsequent paragraphs may be indented or separated by a line space.

4. CLOSE IT UP! Do pick a perfect closing, as it sets the tone for the letter. Love, Sincerely, Affectionately, and Gratefully (for thank-yous) are best for an informal note to a friend or family member. Best, Best wishes, and Yours sincerely strike the right note for business correspondence. And Respectfully yours, Faithfully, and Faithfully yours should close a formal social correspondence. The closing goes on the right side of the page (aligned with the header) with ample space for the signature.

If the letter is formal, sign both your first and last names and include a printed name under the signature. For an informal letter, your signature or nickname alone will do.

1.

680 Second Street
San Francisco, CA 94107
June 12, 2017

2.

Dear Berty,

3.

I just finished negotiating the purchase of our dinner tonight, a large red snapper, from a cantankerous fisherman on the east port of Positano. It reminded me of our own fishing expedition last May, the one we failed miserably and then secretly bought some fillets to save face with the rest of our party. I think Chef Bitta was onto us, as he mumbled that swordfish is so rarely found in the Med.

Wallace stayed with us all last week. Never one to be still, we played a vigorous round of lawn tennis each morning. I buoyed Walls every night with a pitcher of sidecars and some backgammon.

4.

Affectionately,

M.B.

A SAMPLING OF CORRESPONDENCE

A THANK-YOU NOTE

A thank-you note is a necessary follow-up after receiving a gift, after a visit with a friend, or to show appreciation for a favor, but it needn’t be a chore. Just keep it short and sweet, with a few personal details to individualize it.

In a world where most correspondence is disappearing, rest assured that the time-honored thank-you note is going absolutely nowhere. Expressing gratitude is always in vogue.

Try your best not to dillydally when sending out a thank-you note. Your goal is to post it within one week of the gift’s receipt, or within three months for a wedding gift. The exception is a thank-you note for a condolence gift or a gift received during an illness or convalescence. Pen these notes as soon as you are feeling up to it; alternatively, have a friend or relative write a note on your behalf.

Written thank-you notes are standard for personal and professional situations, but a thanks by e-mail or text is adequate for a smaller favor such as a dinner-party invitation. And as a general rule, gifts from close friends or family members may be acknowledged with an e-mail, text, or phone call—except for wedding gifts, which always merit more formal handwritten notes.

Above all else, be sincere. If a gift is secretly going into the charity bin, focus on the sentiment behind it—Thinking of my days dashing about the museums uptown was so courteous of you!—rather than praise a gift you loathe.

A SYMPATHY OR CONDOLENCE NOTE

Writing a note of condolence is often a heavy task. These tips should bolster your confidence:

- Keep the note brief. The sincerity of the note is more important than the length.

- Including a happy memory of the deceased is thoughtful, though optional.

- Steer clear of noting the details of an illness or death. So never say: The municipalities really should put up guardrails on that hairpin turn.

- Skip any mention of God unless you are church companions.

- Suggest a specific way you can help in the person’s time of need: I will bring by some of my pasta e fagioli next week to feed your visitors.

A FORMAL INVITATION, SUCH AS FOR A WEDDING

See The Invitation, page 158, for details on formatting a formal invite.

A THANK-YOU NOTE FOR A GIFT

Dearest Uncle,

The rust-colored Siberian capelet took my breath away. Thank you! Surely the hand-knitted wool will keep me warm when ice-skating figure eights on our childhood pond.

I am so appreciative that you took a moment from your research in the West Indies to remember my birthday. I won’t forget receiving your package, dressed so handsomely in batik-patterned paper.

I hope to see you in the city soon.

Love,

Violet

A THANK-YOU NOTE FOR SOMEONE’S HOSPITALITY

My dear friend Wolfie,

Peter and I had such a brilliant time at your country cottage last weekend. As always, you were the perfect host, dashing from guest to guest to make sure everyone was content with your delicious gin gimlets. The Saturday-evening bonfire under the stars will not be forgotten. I am still trying to sort out which constellation we saw. Could it have been Perseus?

Thank you again for including us.

Yours,

Alice

A THANK-YOU NOTE FOR A GOOD DEED

Dear Mr. Stone,

Thank you so much for your informed advice on my college essay. Your thoughtful insights surely strengthened my application to Cambridge. The stories about your old dining club (particularly the one about the midnight trip to Bath) keep me chuckling. As of now, Cambridge is my top choice, so I will keep my fingers crossed that they accept me!

I will let you know when I hear back about my application. Thank you again for your time and expertise.

Sincerely,

Ainsley Browning

A SYMPATHY OR CONDOLENCE NOTE

Dear Harvey,

I was so sorry to hear about your father’s death. He had such a tremendous sense of humor. I will never forget the day he arranged a ping-pong tournament with all our stuffed bears and lions and fed us banana splits instead of one of Nanny’s wretched lunches.

I will check in with you in a week or so to see if I may bring groceries by or run any errands for you. In the meantime, know that you and your family are in my thoughts.

With deepest sympathy,

Penn

THE ANATOMY OF FINE STATIONERY

Maintaining a stationery wardrobe is slightly daunting but remarkably practical. It will never leave you riffling through your cluttered drawers looking for a fitting piece of paper. Though it’s a practice firmly rooted in the Old World, lifting a piece of paper from your stationery wardrobe and jotting a note can be a stately moment in an otherwise ordinary day.

It might be wise to select a classic color that carries you through time. (Imagine writing a note to your grandson on hot-pink paper.) The most popular classic colors are white, cream, taupe, light gray, light pink, and light blue.

Stationery may be personalized with a monogram, a name, or a name and address. In some situations, you might include a simple artistic rendering of your vacation home or countryside cottage in place of a monogram. How very charming.

Whatever you select, it may be printed on the paper using lithography, a digital printer, or thermography, a heat process that applies raised ink to the page. More expensive (and more sumptuous) are the methods of letterpress, engraving, foil stamping, and embossing to add a luxurious, and often textured, element to your stationery.

A complete stationery wardrobe includes monarch and/or half sheets (used for personal or business letters), correspondence and/or fold-over cards (used for thank-you notes and other brief correspondence), and envelopes (with your address on the flap, not the face). In addition to those basics, you might consider calling cards, gift cards, bookplates, and monogrammed or decorated notepads to round out your suite.

CORRESPONDENCE Q&A

WHAT COLOR INK SHOULD I USE TO WRITE A NOTE OR LETTER?

The ink should match the nature of the correspondence. For example, for a condolence note or a reply to a formal invitation, black or dark blue ink is most suitable. For less formal notes, you may use another color ink if you wish.

Envelopes should always be addressed in black or dark blue ink for best legibility. No need to strain the eyes of your postmaster!

WHEN SHOULD I SEND A HANDWRITTEN NOTE, AS OPPOSED TO AN E-MAIL OR TEXT?

Although it’s tempting to send a note electronically, a handwritten note will always carry more significance and make its recipient feel honored. The following instances call for old-fashioned pen and paper:

- Condolence or sympathy notes

- Congratulatory notes (for happy grads, new mummies and daddies, ladies with diamonds on their fingers, and individuals celebrating other happy occasions)

- Notes or letters to grandparents or other elders who may not be familiar with electronic communication (impeccable penmanship, please!)

- Thank-you notes (unless you are thanking someone for a very casual favor). Etiquette experts differ on the form for thank-you notes sent after a job interview, however. On the one hand, while sending a handwritten note may make you stand out from the crowd, it can easily be recycled or misplaced, while an e-mailed thank-you leaves a digital paper trail and also arrives more quickly than a posted card. Choose the most prudent option given your understanding of the time constraints. (For more on the proper etiquette for electronic communication, see E-mail and Social Media Etiquette Q&A, page 203.)

WHEN SHOULD I SEND AN ANNOUNCEMENT?

Announcements are the workhorses of the correspondence world. Unbelievably useful, they alert your social circle to life changes such as your new winter residence in Montreux, Switzerland; your name change from a Miss to a Mrs.; the arrival of your family’s new darling little citizen, and on and on. There is something very satisfying about printing and posting an announcement, and the practice should be more in use. Weddings, births, adoptions, graduations, changes of address, name changes, or business and company bulletins are all occasions that warrant a printed announcement to inform family and friends who would not otherwise hear of the news. Though traditionally sent through the post, announcements may also be e-mailed or shared on social media.

Don’t confuse an announcement with an invitation to attend an event. In most cases announcements are sent after the event has occurred. Get your ducks in a row and post the announcement as soon as possible after the event or achievement so the news will not appear exceedingly dated.

No response is required when you receive an announcement, though jotting a little note of congratulations would certainly gain you favor. Similarly, receiving an announcement does not obligate you to send a gift (though send those brass candlesticks if you wish). And announcements should never ask for gifts or list any registry information. Egads!

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF CALLING CARDS?

In the golden era of Victoria sponge cakes, ladies and gentlemen wouldn’t dare step foot in a residence without leaving a calling card. Although they’re considered unconventional in today’s world, you might consider having these cards on hand for modified reasons. The traditional size of a calling card, also called a visiting card or social card, is 3 x 2 inches, although it may be slightly smaller or larger to fully accommodate the necessary details. These small, flat cards are for personal use, as opposed to business cards, which are used on the job.

Calling cards always contain their owners’ full name, but they can also include phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or social media details. They do not typically include home addresses, although isn’t it always useful to have someone’s address on hand? Offer a calling card when you want to stay in touch with someone in a personal context, or include it as an attachment to a bouquet of flowers or bottle of wine—you can jot an informal note on the back. It’s also a noble way to announce that you paid a visit. After all, Auntie Clemence should know you stopped by her pied-à-terre in Budapest hoping for a bite of her homemade gnocchi!

WHERE DO I WRITE A RETURN ADDRESS ON AN ENVELOPE?

Your return address goes on the back flap of the envelope. Kindly include your street address only—not your name.

HOW DO I PUT A STATIONERY SHEET OR CARD IN AN ENVELOPE?

For a flat correspondence card (or a printed flat sheet like a wedding invitation), place it in the envelope so that the recipient will remove it with the printed side up. Place a folded stationery sheet or fold-over note card into the envelope with the fold at the top so the recipient can open the fold and see the text right-side up.

SHOULD I HAVE JUST ONE SET OF HOUSE STATIONERY EVEN IF I HAVE SEVERAL RESIDENCES AROUND THE WORLD?

House stationery should mention either your house or your family name. You may choose to keep one consistent brand throughout all your homes (Aunt Prudence always uses the same faded green), or treat each as a separate identity with its own color and font. It is entirely your choice.

A PRIMER: HOLIDAY CARDS

- Address and post your holiday cards so they arrive in early to mid-December. A good rule of thumb is to start them right after you eat your last piece of pecan pie at Thanksgiving.

- If you are making custom cards, impress yourself by choosing which family photos to include ahead of the due date for printing.

- Jot a short handwritten message on the card to keep it personal, even if it’s as simple as Deck the halls, my dearest friend Olivia!

- Pour yourself some eggnog and apply yourself to the task of proofreading each address.

- Opt for a family newsletter instead of a holiday card, if you like; just keep it brief and positive, without bragging. Nobody needs to know about Amelia’s six-semester run on the honor roll.

- Go ahead and break with tradition and send out a card with New Year’s sentiments instead of a holiday card (and mail it in the first two weeks of January).

- Don’t send holiday cards with family photos to business associates, unless you also socialize with them regularly.

- Remember to include your return address on the envelope, in case the recipient wishes to send you a card in return.

- Check the printed message on your card. You are a clever one—simply consider your audience when choosing your wording. Happy Holidays, Wishing you peace and joy, or Season’s greetings and best wishes have been washed of any religious tone and are still lighthearted.

I was just congratulating myself on having shipped a pair of emerald parakeets to Paris as a gift to my dear friends tying the knot in May when a telegram arrived with a dreadful message: The parakeets were trapped in customs indefinitely in a seaport in southern India and were not expected to arrive until at least July. Thankfully, the birds were traveling with a dutiful escort who was feeding them fiddlehead ferns and fluffing their beds of hay. But, oh my, what a sticky situation—to show up empty-handed at the bridegroom’s doorstep on the eve of his wedding! Delightedly I recalled the three-month rule and determined that the birds would arrive within the acceptable grace period for receiving gifts. I exhaled, returning to my rosemary gin and tonic.

Conjuring up a perfect gift can be a delight or a burden; flipping through this chapter will help you avoid the latter.

GIFT DIRECTORY

Pair any of the following gifts with an engaging little handwritten note, or your calling card at the least.

HOSTESS GIFT FOR A DINNER PARTY

- A flower arrangement. It is always troublesome for a hostess to negotiate several bunches of flowers, handshakes, and coats upon opening the door. Your hostess will adore you forever if you bring the arrangement in a vase or offer to put it in water when you arrive. Even better, call a florist and have it sent to the house ahead of time.

- A fancy soap, candle, or lotion. Do take care to outfit it with a smart-looking piece of wrap or ribbon.

- Gourmand consumables. A delicious bottle of wine, potted fresh herbs, a loaf of artisan bread, a pound of Kona coffee, bespoke chocolates, extra-extra-virgin olive oil, or a half dozen pains au chocolat for the morning after would be thoughtful.

HOSTESS GIFT FOR A WEEKEND STAY

- A bouquet or plant. Who wouldn’t want some lovely gardenias, rosemary, or African violets?

- A game or toy. A jigsaw puzzle, board game, bocce ball set, vintage cribbage board, or monogrammed playing cards for the host would be great fun.

- A bottle of fine wine or premixed pitcher of Manhattans. Don’t forget the accompanying set of cocktail glasses (circa 1975, of course).

- Groceries or dinner. Whip up a sole meunière one night, or treat your hosts to dinner out at the local supper club. (Avoid making this a chore for your hostess—should you go this route, put effort into finding the spot, sorting out the reservations, and sharing ahead of time that it is your treat.)

WEDDING GIFT

- Consider plucking an item from the registry. Couples agonize over it for good reason.

- Money or gift cards. They may appear dull, but they are forever appreciated.

- Charitable donation. Give to organizations in line with the couple’s interests. Tread lightly here, though.

- A subscription gift. Buy something well-known, like home delivery of the New York Times, or go for a specialty service, such as French wines, or flowers from Holland.

- A special gift to make them swoon. If you’re confident of the couple’s personal taste, send artwork, lobsters, or something from your travels, such as rubies, a pair of peregrine falcons, or a mahogany Chris-Craft boat.

BABY SHOWER GIFT

- An item from the mother-to-be’s baby registry. Just add an enchanting card wishing her well.

- A group gift. This is best for costly items, like a crib, stroller, or car seat.

- Layette items. Swaddle blankets, darling little clothes, burp cloths, baby books, and mittens are all beloved.

- A complete library of books, from Babar to The Brothers Karamazov. Wouldn’t they each look lovely with a letterpress bookplate as well?

BRIDAL SHOWER GIFT

- Start with the registry. Review the odds and ends from it, and pick something that speaks to you.

- A gift certificate for a spa day. Brides are often a bit frazzled and would benefit from an indulgent afternoon.

- Lingerie. But do steer clear of giving the bride’s mother-in-law a shock at seeing a lacy little something.

- A robe or pajamas. Consider embroidering them with the bride-to-be’s new last name to add a personal touch.

- A quick dash to a perfumery boutique in Paris to design an olfactory identity for the bride.

BRIDE’S GIFT TO BRIDESMAIDS

- A cashmere pashmina for the bridesmaids to wear over their dresses if the wedding-day weather is crisp.

- A coffee-table book that holds particular interest for the maid.

- An expertly framed picture of the two of you.

- A cooking class or an annual membership to a museum.

- A set of vintage cocktail glasses.

GROOM’S GIFT TO GROOMSMEN

- A tie, a handkerchief, or monogrammed cuff links.

- A coffee-table book that holds particular interest.

- An engraved flask or a bottle of fine Scotch.

- Tickets to a sporting event such as Wimbledon, Le Mans, or perhaps the Super Bowl.

HOUSEWARMING GIFT

- Something for the kitchen. A slate or marble cheese board, lavish French cheese knives, a set of cocktail glasses, or a marble salt cellar make for an elegant “thank you.”

- Guest towels, dish towels, or a set of fancy table linens, perhaps sporting a monogram.

- Gourmand foods. Olive oil, rare salt, tapenades, or hand-twisted caramels are a lovely gesture.

SYMPATHY GIFT

- A home-cooked meal. This gift works best if it can be tossed in the freezer. (Tape warming instructions to the dish.) If you prefer not to interfere with the family, you could leave it on the doorstep with a note.

- A bouquet of flowers. Please do present them already in a vase.

- An offer to run errands or do household chores.

- A donation to the charity of their choice (if it was previously shared with you).

GRADUATION GIFT

- Cash or gift cards. There is nothing like a bouquet of cash for a young lady or gentleman who is venturing off to college.

- A personalized or monogrammed gift. Consider stationery, luggage, a wallet, a picture frame, cuff links, or a journal.

- Items for a dorm room or first apartment. A set of cute bowls for those fascinating little noodles or other snacks for a growing young person, a set of beautiful sheets or towels, and embroidered slippers would be lovely.

RELIGIOUS EVENTS

- An appropriate religious present. Consider asking a trusted friend if you’re not sure what would be suitable.

- A gift of money for the honoree that his or her parents can put toward something for the honoree. (For Jewish events, multiples of eighteen are considered lucky.)

- A book, toy, or store gift card appropriate to the honoree’s age.

- A gift engraved with the honoree’s name and the event’s date. A gold version of an age-appropriate toy or a classic sterling-silver picture frame would be most dazzling.

ANNIVERSARIES

- A monogrammed or engraved gift. A tray, a picture frame, sheets, table linens, or robes.

- Tickets to an event. The theater, the US Open, or the Royal Ascot races would be a real treat.

- A traditional anniversary gift (do glance at the following table).

- A private boat from which to fawn over the penguins in the Antarctic, or a vineyard in a geographically convenient location.

Anniversary Gifts, both Traditional and Modern

YEAR

TRADITIONAL

MODERN

First

Paper

Clocks

Second

Cotton

China

Third

Leather

Glass/Crystal

Fourth

Fruit/Flowers

Appliances

Fifth

Wood

Flatware

Sixth

Candy

Iron/Wood

Seventh

Copper/Wool

Brass/Desk sets

Eighth

Bronze/Pottery

Linens/Lace

Ninth

Willow/Pottery

Leather goods

Tenth

Tin/Aluminum

Diamonds

Fifteenth

Crystal

Glass/Watches

Twentieth

China

Platinum

Twenty-fifth

Silver

Silver

Thirtieth

Pearls

Pearls/Diamonds

Thirty-fifth

Coral

Jade

Fortieth

Rubies

Garnets/Rubies

Forty-fifth

Sapphires

Sapphires

Fiftieth

Gold

Gold

Fifty-fifth

Emeralds

Turquoise/Emeralds

Sixtieth

Diamonds

Gold/Diamonds

Sixty-fifth

Diamonds

Gold/Diamonds/Blue sapphires

Seventieth

Diamonds

Platinum

Seventy-fifth

Diamonds

Gold/Diamonds

A PRIMER: OPENING GIFTS

Occasions when you should open gifts: baby showers, bridal showers, stag parties.

Occasions when you should open the gifts later, at home: weddings, housewarming parties, anniversary parties, graduation parties, bar/bat mitzvahs, any occasion where gifts are not required and some but not all guests have brought them.

Occasions when it’s at the host’s discretion: birthday parties, for both adults and children. (Use your best judgment about whether guests will enjoy seeing the gifts opened or if opening gifts will break up the flow of the party.)

- Make sure all or most of your guests are assembled before beginning so you will be able to unwrap each gift in the presence of its giver and toss her a chipper, “Oh, Birdie, I looooove it!” No need to be militant about this gathering; allowing some guests to eat a piece of coconut cake and drink tea while others tend to the gift opening is perfectly suitable.

- Read the card before opening the gift, but not out loud. The sentiments in cards are meant for you alone. Channeling your Princess Grace, pause and smile knowingly to the gift giver.

- Enlist your most studious friend or family member to take impeccable notes on which gift came from which person. See Gifting Q&A, page 52, for more details on figuring out who gifted what.

- If you receive duplicate gifts, follow Mummy’s advice and don’t say anything if you can’t say something nice.

- After unwrapping, don’t take gifts out of their packaging to admire them further; keep things moving.

- If you don’t already have the givers’ addresses on file, inquire another time. No need to ask them to write their addresses on the envelopes so you can send thank-you notes.

GIFTING Q&A

HOW DO I CHOOSE THE PERFECT GIFT?

Above all, think of the recipient. Does Millie like peonies or fawning ferns? And, oh dear, Pippa mentioned that she adores lemon-mint gelato. The choice of gift is always up to the giver, but do not fall into the trap of buying for someone else something that you would really like for yourself. Consider maintaining a revolving list of ideas and preferences for gifts as they pop into your head. When it is time to select something, you will feel so pleased with your organizational skills.

IS IT APPROPRIATE TO GIVE MONEY AS A GIFT?

Money might seem outright barbarous at first blush, but it is often the most coveted gift, particularly for occasions such as weddings and graduations. It allows recipients to buy precisely what they need or want.

You can give money in the form of cash or a check. If you choose to give cash, take the time to go to the bank to get crisp new bills. Never should you cobble together the pitiful little bills that are huddled in the bottom of your handbag.

If you know that the person likes a particular store or brand, a gift certificate or gift card is a practical and fitting option.

SHOULD I GIVE A GIFT TO MY EMPLOYEE?

See How Do I Give a Gift to an Employee, page 211, for advice on office etiquette.

AN INVITATION I RECEIVED STATES “NO GIFTS.” CAN I BRING ONE ANYWAY?

No. Regardless of the occasion, if honorees make it clear that they do not want gifts, it is best to respect their wishes—it’s their party, after all. Turning up to a birthday party clutching a gift when the invitation specified “no gifts” can be a bit awkward, both to the honoree and to the other guests who did not bring gifts. If you simply must give a gift, bring it another time, or send it after the party with a note cheerfully explaining why you are a rule breaker.

DO I HAVE TO BRING A GIFT WHEN I VISIT SOMEONE’S HOME?

No arms should be swinging when you march up to your host’s front door. In other words, if you are coming to the home for a meal or staying overnight, a gift is de rigueur, unless you are a close friend or family member who regularly dines or spends the night there.

WHAT SHOULD BE IN MY GIFT REGISTRY?

When setting up a registry before a wedding or the birth of a baby, avoid picking just the hand-painted china and bespoke baby rompers. Make sure there is something for every budget. Having more than one registry is perfectly suitable, although having more than three registries may seem, oh dear, altogether too greedy. A large department store and one or two smaller specialty stores should provide the breadth of items you need.

Historically, registries mainly included items like flatware and china for weddings and rattles and blankets for babies, but today’s registries can contain unconventional items—everything from honeymoon contributions to meal kit subscriptions to charitable donations. That said, it’s always good to include a few classic items on a registry for guests who are a bit more traditional and shudder at the idea of paying for you to romp around the jungle with elephants or indulge in a massage after the baby arrives.

See Gift Directory, page 42, for wedding gift suggestions.

HOW DO I POLITELY NOTIFY GUESTS OF A REGISTRY FOR MY EVENT?

Showers, both baby and bridal, are opportunities to bestow needed gifts upon couples and parents-to-be, and the majority of the event is devoted to opening these gifts. For this reason, it is perfectly all right to list wedding- or baby-registry information on the shower invitations. However, wedding invitations should never mention a registry or gifts. Have your eager maid of honor (or close family members) share the information while stirring a pitcher of strawberry-basil margaritas. Many couples set up websites to provide logistical information about the wedding to guests; it is perfectly acceptable to include registry details there as well.

HOW DO I JUGGLE GIFTS FOR WEDDINGS AND THE RELATED WEDDING EVENTS?

For all the answers on handling wedding-related gifting and other wedding-related issues, see Chapter 6: Weddings, page 155.

IF I BROUGHT A GIFT TO A BABY SHOWER, DO I ALSO NEED TO SEND A GIFT WHEN THE BABY IS BORN?

No. However, if you are going to visit the new mother and the little darling and do not want to show up empty-handed, bringing some frozen homemade soup or a jar of spiced nuts is thoughtful.

I RECEIVED AN EXPENSIVE GIFT BUT CAN’T AFFORD TO GIVE ONE OF SIMILAR VALUE IN RETURN. WHAT DO I DO?

No need to fret. A gift should be all about the thought behind it. There is no etiquette that says the dollar value of gifts has to match. If you receive a gift that is far more expensive than one you can afford to give (say, a commissioned oil painting of your home), simply enjoy the gift and reciprocate with one that is in your budget. And if you are considering giving an extravagant gift, think about whether you’ll make the recipient uncomfortable if he or she cannot reciprocate.

WHEN IS IT SUITABLE TO REFUSE A GIFT OR RETURN IT TO ITS GIVER?

If you know someone has a romantic interest in you but you don’t feel the same way, it is right to decline gifts from that person, lest you give him or her the wrong idea. Be polite but firm, saying, “Oh, Max, you’re such a peach, but no thank you,” or something similar.

It is also good etiquette to refuse offers of free professional advice or services. If a lawyer friend offers to help you draft a will, or a chef friend volunteers to cater your Derby party, make sure you compensate them in some way.

If you have received gifts for your upcoming wedding and, for whatever reason, the wedding is called off, you must return those gifts. Enlist a close friend to help with this tedious process. Mail them back to the givers and include a brief note of thanks explaining that the wedding will not take place. You don’t need to go into detail about how you caught your rotten groom-to-be sipping a mint julep with a long-lashed lovely.

I OPENED A GIFT BUT AM NOT SURE WHOM IT’S FROM. WHAT DO I DO?

Avoid this conundrum at events like bridal or baby showers by having a designated person write down the gift with the name of its giver as presents are opened (and be secretarial about the recording—baby romper with blue and pink flowers rather than just baby romper). If you have a gift in front of you with no identifying marks, use the process of elimination: go down a list of who was at the party and compare that list to the presents you received. If this doesn’t do the trick, you could ask your party host or a family member to make discreet inquiries. For example, they could send an e-mail BCCing the party guests stating, Thank you all so much for joining us at the bridal shower to celebrate Adelaide’s upcoming wedding. Some presents were separated from their cards, and we were hoping you might let us know if you gave her the precious set of Thai elephants so Addie can let you know how much she adores them!

When giving gifts, always include a card securely attached to the gift that identifies you as the giver. For events where there will be many gifts, and cards may become separated from the gifts, include a card with your name inside the wrapped box as extra insurance. If you have a calling card, this is a perfect opportunity to use it (see What Is the Purpose of Calling Cards, page 34).

I SENT A GIFT BUT NEVER RECEIVED ACKNOWLEDGMENT OR A THANK-YOU NOTE. IS IT OK TO CONTACT THE RECIPIENT TO SEE IF SHE RECEIVED IT?

Absolutely. Sometimes things get lost in the post, or it’s possible the recipient is being defeated by his to-do list and did not write a thank-you note. Be cheery and say something like, “Hello, Montgomery. I sent you a gift and just wanted to make sure no one ran off with it.” If the gift did arrive, the recipient will likely thank you belatedly, and if it didn’t arrive, you can follow up with the shipping company.

WHEN SHOULD I OPEN A GIFT IN FRONT OF THE GIVER, AND WHEN SHOULD I OPEN IT LATER?

See A Primer: Opening Gifts, page 50.

HOW SHOULD I HANDLE HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR MY NANNY, HOUSEKEEPER, OR OTHER SERVICE PROVIDERS?

Giving service people who work for you on a regular basis a once-yearly tip (usually around the holidays) will certainly keep you in everyone’s good graces. For a regular service provider, whether it’s a nanny or babysitter, housekeeper, dog walker, personal trainer, hair stylist, or general handyman, it’s appropriate to gift the cost of one session, visit, job, or week of work, depending on the frequency of visits. For a child’s teacher, a gift of $25 to $75 in cash, or a gift card in the same amount, makes a lovely gift. And if you’re a regular at the local coffee counter, consider a seasonal tip of $20 for all those perfect lattes.

For the rules on tipping those people who regularly provide a delightful service, see Tipping, page 221.

WHEN YOU GIFT A DEAR FRIEND A YACHT OR ANOTHER SAILING VESSEL, IS IT NECESSARY TO INCLUDE A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE?

Given the custom of breaking a bottle of champagne to christen a sailing vessel on its maiden voyage, you should include at least one bottle of bubbly when gifting a yacht or schooner. Even better, include a second bottle so that the new owners can raise a glass while on the high seas. It’s only fair.

Do Note! (What, Only Two Dollars?)

It should go without saying, but before you wrap a gift, always triple-check that you’ve removed the price tag. Oh, the horror!

A PRIMER: REGIFTING

- Regift only unopened, unused items that are still in their original packaging (although you should freshen them up with new wrapping paper).

- Be honest about your regifting if the moment is appropriate. For example: “Charlie, I was just given this vintage scarf I already own, and I know you’ve admired it before, so I thought you’d enjoy the extra one.” In this case, regift on an everyday occasion (rather than a birthday or holiday), and skip the wrapping paper.

- Consider donating unwanted items to charity instead of regifting them.

- Don’t regift to someone close to the original giver. Otherwise, you may hear comments like, “Why, Nells, that is the very same kitty-cat portrait I gave Tad last week. What a peculiar coincidence!”

- If a gift is handmade, personalized, or perishable, it can’t be regifted. Just toss all fruitcakes to your parakeet.

- Any regift should be something you know the recipient will be eager to receive; regifting is not just a means to manage unwanted objects. Things like gag gifts, a gift with purchase, or a promotional sample should go straight to the rubbish if you don’t want to keep them.

- Regifting something the original giver will ask you about or expect to see you using or displaying in your home is a no-no. The purple crystal angels may not be to your taste, but dear Aunt Margaret will be crushed if she doesn’t see them displayed among your bric-a-brac. Better to keep them stored away and take them out when you know she’ll be dropping by.

“Oh, dear Ells, won’t you come for a dip in my new swimming hole? I will whip up a pot of clam linguine and we can take snapshots of the flamingos fluttering about the lawn.” As soon as I posted my request, my faithful butler Edgar and I sharpened our pencils to get down to the business of planning. I have found through several disasters that mustering enough discipline to organize every last detail far before my guests’ arrival is the only path to delight. Order opera cake (check), iron bedsheets (check), place chocolates in guest room (check), monogram pool robes (check), count deck of cards (check) . . . All that is left for me to do is apply some crème solaire and dangle my toes in the shallow end. Now, you might feel a bit like a schoolmarm creating a syllabus, but following the order and preparation steps discussed in this chapter will magically turn the stressful exercise of hosting guests into one of repose.

HOUSE PARTIES AND DINNER PARTIES Q&A (FOR HOSTS)

WHAT ARE MY DUTIES AS A HOST?

It is true that hosting can be both gratifying and exhausting in equal measure. In addition to mixing and mingling at your own party, a memorable host will also refill people’s drinks and refresh their glasses as needed, negotiate introductions if guests need some help, and make sure the appetizer trays and buffet are stocked throughout the night. Keep any background music playing at an appropriate volume (louder for cocktail hour, quieter for dinner), tidy up the party area as needed throughout the evening to keep it looking chic, and check the bathroom periodically to restock supplies or clean up as necessary.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO WELCOME GUESTS INTO MY HOME?

Make sure you are ready at the appointed hour. At the very least, have your party clothes on, a glass of bubbly in your hand, Duke Ellington playing in the background, and a few canapés out. As guests come through the door, take their coats, bags, and any hostess gifts, and guide them to the room where the party is. Offer them a refreshment tout de suite. Saying “May I get you a drink? We have white wine, sparkling water, beer, and Bernie’s dangerously delicious whiskey sours” is preferable to “What would you like to drink?” Excuse yourself as the doorbell rings; usher the new guests to the party area and make introductions. Repeat as necessary until the party is well under way. If you are hosting a party with a comrade, one of you can take on the job of greeting guests at the door, and the other can pour drinks and facilitate the chitchat.

DO I NEED TO OPEN WINE THAT A GUEST BRINGS AS A GIFT?

No. That wine is a gift for you to do with as you please. You certainly may open it, but you don’t have to, especially if you have other wines planned for the evening.

HOW DO I HANDLE A SHY, QUIET, OR SOCIALLY AWKWARD GUEST?

This is just the thing to do when you have a sheepish guest: Seat him next to a friend who can keep the conversation rolling. At a cocktail party, introduce him to a guest who shares his love of purebred Spanish horses (or whatever interest perks him up). Keep an eye on him throughout the evening, and steer him toward new conversation partners if necessary—or ask him to help you prepare another tray of hors d’oeuvres in the kitchen if he needs a break from socializing.

HOW SHOULD I HANDLE TOASTS?

An impeccable toast will set the tone of a celebration and make guests feel as if the world is in perfect orbit. For those who are clever, toasts may be prepared in advance (recommended for weddings or anniversary parties; best of luck to those daring enough to wing it) or be extemporaneous (for a dinner party or other less formal gatherings). For wedding-specific toast questions, see When (and in What Order) Are Toasts Given at a Wedding Reception, page 174.

Toasts may be given at the beginning of a meal, as soon as drinks have been served, or just before dessert, when guests may have been poured champagne or sparkling wine. It is not necessary to propose or drink to a toast with an alcoholic beverage—fizzy water is perfectly up for the task if need be.

For more information on toasts, see also May I Make a Toast, page 74.

WHO SITS WHERE AT A DINNER PARTY?

The host and hostess sit at the ends of the table, facing each other. The guest of honor sits to the right of the hostess; if there is only one host, the guest of honor sits at the other end of the table. Spouses or partners of guests of honor sit to the left of the hostess. Typically, married guests do not sit together and, in fact, might be tickled to have a break from each other. If the table configuration allows for it, seat a left-handed person with no one on her left so she will not bump elbows with other guests as she eats. Lastly, and if possible, consider alternating man-woman-man-woman.

WHEN ARE PLACE CARDS APPROPRIATE?

Place cards are the perfect way to direct assigned seating at a stylish fête. In general, it’s best to use place cards for gatherings of at least six guests, to avoid appearing a bit overbearing.

Don’t confuse place cards with escort cards. The latter are often used at large celebrations, like weddings, and tell guests at which table they should sit but do not specify exact seats.

WHAT DO I DO IF GUESTS START AN ARGUMENT DURING DINNER?

Topics such as religion and politics can drive everyone a little batty, so if you hear guests discussing them, try to subtly change the subject before things start to resemble a panel on a cable news show. Think quickly! Chat about the recent croquembouche obsession, or why there seems to be an influx of poodle mixes around town. If it’s too late and an argument has already erupted, steer the conversation in a different direction by addressing one person engaged in the argument: “Billy, tell me more about your trip to Amsterdam. Did I hear you say you visited that new boutique hotel in the Jordaan neighborhood?” If this doesn’t work, you may need to calmly redirect: “Let’s table this discussion for another time.”

WHAT DO I DO IF IT’S VERY LATE BUT MY GUESTS STILL HAVEN’T LEFT?

Close down the bar. People will likely say good night and move on to another spot for their nightcaps. If that doesn’t work, start to talk about the party in the past tense: “We had such a wonderful time with you all tonight—let’s have our supper club again soon!” That should get the message across.

HOW SHOULD I HANDLE AN UNINVITED DINNER GUEST?

Smile, take his coat, and offer him your best old-fashioned, just as you would with any invited guest. Rearrange the table to make room for an extra place setting. When dinnertime comes, serve slightly smaller portions of everything to stretch the meal, or if you have something you know will stretch (a large frisée salad, for example), fill your plate with it so your guests will get enough of the other dishes and be none the wiser. If you’re serving individual pieces of something (chicken breasts, filet mignon, or swordfish fillets, for example), it’s always a good idea to buy one or two more than you think you’ll need, just in case. Perhaps keep a few delectable nibbles in your pantry (marcona almonds and fancy crackers, for example) for moments such as these.

WHAT IS THE PROPER WAY TO CLEAR THE TABLE?

Serve from the left, clear from the right. Repeat over and over the phrase Remove right to keep these straight in your head. However, if clearing from the right would disrupt the flow of conversation (for example, if two guests are engaged in a deep conversation nose-to-nose), clear in whatever way is least obtrusive. You wouldn’t want to break up a potential love match or blossoming friendship, would you?

If you are using different plates for each course, clear after every course. Otherwise, clear at the end of the meal. Don’t clear plates until everyone at the table has finished eating. (See Resting versus Finished Position, page 111, for how people should place their silverware to indicate they are finished.) When you clear the plates, be sure to clear any used silverware as well. Please don’t try to best the garçon at Guy Savoy and carry more than two plates at a time—and absolutely no stacking.

If you are clearing the table before dessert, remove everything except for glasses that people are still drinking from, candles, and flower arrangements. Take away salt and pepper shakers, condiments, and any extra plates or flatware that won’t be necessary for your majestic flaming baked Alaska.

HOW DO I HANDLE A GUEST WHO’S HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK?

Stay calm and tactful. Escort your friend to a room away from the rest of the party and get her a glass of water, cup of coffee, or plate of food. If the party is ending, discreetly take her keys and offer a guest room or pullout couch for the night, and a pair of pajamas. Don’t rely on another friend to take her home—it’s your party, so she is your responsibility.

HOW MANY COURSES SHOULD BE SERVED AT A PROPER STATE DINNER?

No fewer than three, no more than eight. Four or five is typical, and if you wish to impress, make sure to include an amuse-bouche, mignardises, and a few off-menu items to keep things lively.

HOUSE PARTIES AND DINNER PARTIES Q&A (FOR GUESTS)

IF I AM RUNNING LATE TO A PARTY, SHOULD I LET THE HOSTESS KNOW?

Yes. It is polite to call your hostess, or text as a second option, as she may rightfully have her ringer off. Let her know when you will arrive (be smart and pack in more time than you expect), and urge her not to wait to serve dinner on your account. (See What Is the Appropriate Time to Arrive for an Event, page 143, for other social events.)

Also, if you think you might be late to a function for some reason—if, for instance, you will be flying back from safari the day of the party—let your hostess know in advance. Then arrive with a beaming smile, ideally holding an armful of impossibly bright peonies.

SHOULD I TAKE MY SHOES OFF IN SOMEBODY’S HOME?

If your host asks you to remove your shoes when you arrive, don’t dillydally. Line up your heels next to the door. Don’t mope if your pedicure isn’t perfect; guests want to gab and will not be staring at your feet. If you’re uncomfortable with bare feet and are unsure of a host’s shoe policy, it may be good to wear or bring a pair of socks. And if you travel through snow or mud or rain on the way to the party, it is always polite to offer to take your wellies off, lest you ruin your host’s floors.

MAY I MAKE A TOAST?

At a dinner party, the host or hostess should offer the first toast. If he or she has not offered one by the time dessert has been served, another guest may offer a toast to the hosts or the event’s honoree. To propose a toast, a person should rise and ask for the attention of everyone present. Clinking one’s glass with a utensil is poor etiquette.

Whether a toast is prepared in advance or given off the cuff, it should be heartfelt, in good taste, and to the point. While toasts may include humor, embarrassing the honoree (or other guests) or reminiscing too long about your all-night romp through Paris is to be avoided. And toasts that go on forever will only encourage your audience to yawn.

After all toasts have been offered, the honoree may offer his or her own toast, or simply give a thank-you to those who toasted.

WHAT DO I DO IF I SPILL A DRINK OR BREAK SOMETHING?

Clean up a spill as quickly as you can with a minimum of fuss; don’t overreact or call attention to yourself. If you have spilled on someone else, offer your napkin to that person with an apology. Do not attempt to wipe him or her off, lest you find yourself having to apologize a second time, this time for groping your fellow guest with a cocktail napkin.

If you’ve broken something, confess to the host. Offer to fix or replace the item, or pay for it if it isn’t fixable. Now, please don’t belabor the point and make a scene. Simply move on and send a check and a well-written apology the very next day. And if you clog your host’s toilet, ask discreetly for a plunger and clear the backup yourself. After this horribly unfortunate moment, please treat yourself to another trip to the bar cart. Oh dear.

MAY I REARRANGE PLACE CARDS TO SIT NEXT TO MY DATE?

Although it is tempting to jockey yourself closer to the very fetching duchess, never rearrange place cards; it is disrespectful to the host, who put thought and care into the seating arrangements.

SHOULD I HELP THE HOST WITH THE DISHES AFTER A DINNER PARTY?

A gracious host should never do dishes until after guests have departed for the evening. However, if you are at someone’s home and you notice the march to clean up has begun, it is polite to offer to help, or better yet, start clearing and gathering dishes. Take note of the time, though; if the hour is late, the host’s doing dishes may be a subtle signal that you have overstayed your welcome.

HOW SHOULD I ACCEPT AN INVITATION?

It is best to respond to an invitation in the same manner the invitation was extended. For example, if the invitation came via voice mail, ring the host back to accept or decline. Online invitations are firmly part of our modern day to day; if you receive one, follow the directions to send your acceptance or regrets.

When responding to an invitation, refrain from asking who else is invited; it might give the impression that you are deciding whether to accept based on the guest list. Tsk-tsk.

Never accept an invitation and then cancel later if you are invited to something else you would rather do. And if you must cancel due to unforeseen circumstances, let your hostess know you won’t be attending with fluttering promises of getting together soon.

It is impolite to ask if you can bring extra people who were not included in the invitation. If, for example, you are invited to a dinner party but have a houseguest coming at the same time, do not ask if you can bring him or her along. Instead, pipe in with, “Thank you so much for the invitation, but my childhood friend Libbets will be visiting from Mendoza that weekend.” It is then the host’s prerogative to extend the invitation to your friend if there is space.

For information on when to send invitations, see Invitations: Printed or Paperless, page 120. For information on formatting wedding invitations, see The Invitation, page 158.

WHAT IS THE MOST GRACEFUL WAY TO EXIT A PARTY?

When you notice the wine bottles are running dry and the candles have melted away, find your host and say something like, “Thank you so much for the lovely time tonight.” There is no need to make excuses for your departure, unless you are leaving very early. Keep your remarks brief so you don’t monopolize your host’s time. If there are two or more hosts, it is acceptable to approach only one of the hosts upon your exit. Just be sure to reference the other hosts in your good-bye: “Please tell Mickey how much we loved the party.” Finally, if there is a guest of honor, it’s good practice to say good-bye to that person as well.

The practice of “ghosting”—leaving without even a quick good-bye—is terribly rude and suspicious, and will surely make you the talk of the town. In addition, it may leave the host worrying about you, or wondering if the party was an epic disaster. If it is an emergency and you must leave without saying good-bye, always follow up with a text or phone call to let the host know the reason for your unexplained exit.

WHICH IS THE BETTER GIFT FOR A DINNER PARTY: ITALIAN WHITE TRUFFLES OR FRENCH WHITE WINES?

This might seem like a trick question, but the answer is quite clear. If truffles are in season (May through September) either option is delightful, and both may coexist at your party. If you are hosting a party outside those months, a delicious French wine is the only option.

A PRIMER: BEING A DINNER PARTY GUEST

- Mingle with people other than your spouse or the person you came with. Slide up to new people and introduce yourself. Inquiring how they know the host is always an easy way to start a conversation.

- Offer to help out with any last-minute preparations or cleanup, even though your host may decline.

- Closed doors, unlighted hallways, and bathroom cabinets are off-limits. No one likes a snoop.

- Encourage your phone to take a siesta in your handbag. Although tempting, it’s not the time to text, call, or take snapshots of the well-tailored boxwoods in the winter room. If you need to call your babysitter to make sure your tots are not being rotten, remove yourself, make a speedy call, and return to the party.

- Be gracious—praise the stew, remark on how rested and beautiful your hostess looks, admire your host’s newly upholstered chaise longue. Sincere and positive compliments will put your hosts at ease.

- Thank the host when you leave. And if it’s the first time someone has had you over, it’s good manners to follow up with a written thank-you.

- Don’t bring an uninvited guest (particularly children or pups) unless you’ve cleared it with the host first.

- If you must smoke, excuse yourself at a time when you will not be disrupting the flow of the evening, and step out on the back patio or somewhere else you may be discreet. Unless the hosts are puffing away, it’s not appropriate to smoke in someone’s home.

- Unless it’s a wedding or a funeral, it’s best not to arrive before the appointed hour, and no matter the occasion, don’t overstay your welcome. If you are the last guest or the host has started washing up, it’s probably time to find your keys.

OVERNIGHT STAYS Q&A (FOR HOSTS)

WHAT INFORMATION SHOULD I PROVIDE TO MY GUESTS PRIOR TO THEIR ARRIVAL?

Few things are more satisfying than when you pull off hosting a household of guests for the weekend. The golden ticket to your success will surely rest in your prep on the days leading up to your guests’ arrival. Before houseguests arrive, it is wise to e-mail or text them the following details:

- Your address and home phone (if you have one). Many guests will tap into their GPS to find their way to your house, but it can’t hurt to send driving directions as well. Sending them this information spares you from the frantic texts—Where do you live?—that you can’t answer because you are knee-deep in a work meeting.

- Your Wi-Fi network and password.

- Instructions on how to get into your house if you won’t be there when they arrive: The key is under the old stone rabbit. Be kind to the top lock, it is a grumbly old thing. Once you get in, don’t hesitate to find your way to the bar cart in the library. I will be home at six!

- Inquire about any dietary restrictions. It is not your duty to cater to their needs, but it might be good to know.

WHAT SHOULD I HAVE READY IN ADVANCE?

Predictably, those of us who are long-serving hosts will dedicate some time to further organize the stay. Menu planning, grocery shopping, house cleaning, laundry, and any other pesky domestic chores ideally would be done ahead of your guests’ arrival. Stock the bar, sort out some gourmet nibbles that will effortlessly appear in between meals, and put out fresh towels and a few basics in your lavatory (toothpaste, shampoo, soap). If you plan to whip up some show-stopping dinners, try to do the meal prep ahead of time. Consider buying bits to complement your meal, such as beautiful brie and charcuterie or a local handmade gelato. And if you wish to cook with your guests, mentally strategize who will be assigned what so it doesn’t become a bumbling mess that drives you to secretly weep in the bedroom. Lastly, if there are any outings that you know your guests shouldn’t miss (golf tee times, theater shows, restaurant experiences), make reservations before they arrive.

WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY GUESTS ARRIVE?

Open the door or trot out to the driveway with your pup in arms and greet them warmly. This is a moment to be a bit ceremonial, even if it’s a friend from your nursery-school days. Collect their bags and show them their room and bathroom. While you are chatting, take note of their mood and energy level; offer your guests some privacy to freshen up or even time to rest. Perhaps this is the perfect moment to pull out your posh nibbles and offer them a drink (fizzy water or something a bit stiffer depending on how wretched the traffic was). Show them where your snacks, fruits, and beverages are in case they want to help themselves later.

Along with a spare house key, it’s helpful to provide nonobvious house details (where to step to avoid a creaky floorboard, how to start the coffeemaker, where the extra duvets are). Consider offering ideas for delightful local stops (the gelateria, a charming old bookstore, the golf course) if you aren’t going to be together every moment, though if your objective is to entice your guests to spend some time out of the home, it might be wise to give them a printed or e-mailed list rather than overwhelm them with verbal details. It is also gracious to provide details on when you’ll be home and when you’ll be gone, any events or meals they should plan for (a short list of local favorites for shopping and dining is a gem for when they’re on their own), what in your house is communal (car, computer, washer/dryer), and any set times when you’ll need to use shared spaces, such as bathrooms or the billiard library.

HOW DO I HANDLE CHILDREN OF HOUSEGUESTS?

Welcome tots as enthusiastically as you do their parents. Arranging a few child-centered activities during your guests’ stay is a wise thing to do as well. At the very least, consider a few toys or activities that children will find irresistible. (Play-Doh, fancy markers and oversized paper, and stickers are forever favorites for wee ones.) Consider hiring a babysitter for an evening or afternoon so all the adults can go out, child-free.

Stock your fridge and larder with tot-friendly snacks and meals; if you’re not sure what your guests’ children will eat, ask them ahead of time. Little yellow cheese crackers, sugar cookies, and brightly colored gummies are universally beloved.

If the children are very young, it’s smart to place any medications out of reach, and secure cabinets or drawers that contain butcher knives or potentially dangerous objects. Move your glass-blown vases, hand-painted menagerie, one-hundred-year-old Fabergé egg—you get the idea—to higher shelves. It is better to prepare for the worst-case scenario in these instances to avoid any tears.

IS IT IMPOLITE TO DO HOUSEWORK WHEN I HAVE GUESTS?

While any extensive projects, such as spring cleaning or sorting through your skiing wardrobe, should be done when houseguests aren’t present, a good guest will appreciate the necessity of maintaining a household routine, and may even offer to pitch in with dishes, laundry, periodic vacuuming, dusting, and so on. But no houseguest should be asked to polish tarnished silver. Accept help only if they offer, and then only if they insist.

SHOULD I GIVE MY GUESTS ACCESS TO MY VINTAGE ’66 BEEMER?

While by no means necessary, it would be a nice gesture. However, prudence may require you accompany him or her on a loop around the neighborhood first to assess all driving skills.

STOCKING YOUR HOME FOR GUESTS

GUEST BEDROOM MUST-HAVES

- a bed or couch

- a few empty drawers or spare hangers

- extra blankets and pillows

- an empty wastebasket

- sufficient lighting

DELIGHTFUL EXTRAS

- a pitcher and water glass

- a reading light

- magazines or books

- a candle and matches

- fresh flowers in a vase

- a box of tissues

- a bedside tray for cuff links and rings

- snacks to nibble on

- a robe and slippers (ideally Italian)

- a cashmere throw

- a hallway butler

GUEST BATHROOM OR SHARED BATHROOM MUST-HAVES

- bath towels, hand towels, a washcloth, and a bath mat

- a fresh roll of toilet paper in the dispenser and a few extra rolls in the bathroom cabinet

- new, unopened hand soap and bath soap

- a box of tissues

DELIGHTFUL EXTRAS

- new, unopened toiletries: shampoo, hand lotion, shaving cream, razor, toothbrush, toothpaste, aspirin, antacid, feminine products

- cotton balls, Q-tips, makeup remover

- a drinking glass or two

- a blow-dryer

- an on-staff manicurist

A PRIMER: BEING AN OVERNIGHT HOUSEGUEST

- Bring an ingratiating gift as a thank-you for your hosts’ hospitality (see Gift Directory, page 42, for advice on what to bring); you can also whip them up a scrumptious meal (buy the groceries yourself) or take them out to the local bistro. If you choose the latter, impose as little as possible on your hostess when selecting and sorting out the reservation.

- If you have dietary restrictions, bring your own food or a dish that everyone would enjoy; if you have allergies, steer clear of your hosts’ kitty.

- Do your best not to monopolize your hosts’ time with endless chatter and requests. Make sure you have outings planned for yourself so you are not entirely dependent on their hospitality. Keep your space and the common areas spick-and-span. Make your bed each morning, tidy up all rooms you use, and wash dishes as you dirty them.

- Be clear about when you will arrive and leave, and stick to those dates. Even if your hosts insist that you can stay as long as you want, don’t wear out your welcome so thin that you are never invited back. And remember Benny Franklin’s old sentiment: Fish and visitors smell after three days.

- Offer to help with chores around the house, run errands, or lend a hand in other ways. Freshen the hydrangeas with clean water or sauté some brown-butter carrots for the house bunny.

- Leave your space cleaner than you found it. Place any used linens or towels in a neat pile (see Do Note!, page 91), wipe down bathroom surfaces, empty the rubbish from your personal chambers, and return any items you’ve used to their proper place.

- If your hostess wished to house your date, child, or lovely dachshund, she would have included them in the invitation. It is impolite to ask if you may bring them, and downright rude to show up with uninvited guests or animals. See How Should I Accept an Invitation, page 76, for a way to phrase a response in this situation.

- And lastly, send a handwritten thank-you note after you arrive home (see A Thank-You Note for Someone’s Hospitality, page 26, for an example of a thank-you note).

Do Note! (To Strip or Not to Strip)

Stripping your bed when you leave an overnight stay is a sterling way to help your host get a jump-start on cleaning. However, some hosts may not want you to do this (perhaps there is an unsightly stain on the mattress, or they have a butler waiting in the wings). Before you leave, ask, “Ruby, darling, may I strip my bed?” If the answer is yes, take off all the sheets, fold them, and place them in a neat pile or take them to the laundry room, and then pull the comforter or blanket over the bed so it looks made.

I simply knew the positively delicious curried crab and watermelon salad would be the chatter of my lunch set, but never in such a way! The magnificent Maharaja of Mumbai and I, along with my darling pup, returned to the patio after our morning hunt for ceramics in the upper hills of Santorini, and as we sat overlooking the sea, I was about to suggest a post-lunch dip when I noticed the prince’s face growing as red as a child’s cherry lolly. Call the medic, stat! Eager to please his host, the prince had neglected to share his pesky allergy to shellfish. Now, listen, dear guests, don’t be so fretful—such information is worthy of sharing! In the pages ahead, you’ll find this important rule of etiquette and several others that will ensure that, at your next fête, a good time will be had by all.

AT THE TABLE Q&A

WHEN IS IT POLITE TO TAKE MY SEAT?

Your host will announce that dinner is served, or otherwise welcome you to the table, and then you may take your seat. If your host is busy mixing another round of Moscow mules, take your seat only once he has taken his. If the occasion is a no-host gathering, such as a gala or business lunch, it is proper to wait until two or three other people have arrived before sitting. Use that time wisely by greeting or introducing yourself to fellow guests as they arrive at the table.

WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE WAY TO TAKE MY SEAT?

At a typical table, it is most graceful to take your seat from the right side of the chair. Exit from the right side as well, and always push in your chair when leaving the table. And although the practice is from a bygone era, a gentleman who pulls out the chair for a lady or waits for her to sit first will make his dinner guests glow.

Banquettes and booths are delightful once everyone is safely tucked in, but they’re nearly impossible to enter. Seat yourself in a way that causes the least amount of discomfort to those around you and allows you to maintain some composure. Children should never crawl under the table to take their places at a banquette.

WHEN IS IT POLITE TO START EATING?

Take your cue from the host. When he takes his first bite, you may follow suit. If he asks you to start before everyone is served, you may do so. If there is no host, wait until everyone at your table is served before eating, even if it means slightly cooler bouillabaisse (the clams will not mind).

WHICH WAY DO I PASS DISHES AROUND A TABLE?

See A Primer: Passing Food, page 107, for more information.

IS IT RUDE TO SEASON MY FOOD AT A DINNER PARTY?

The chef might weep a bit if she sees you season your food before tasting it. It would be an insult to her cooking. If after taking a bite or two you think a dish needs an extra pinch of salt or pepper, you may add it discreetly. Please do not ask for any seasonings you don’t see on the table already.

WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY NAPKIN DURING THE MEAL?

There’s more to your napkin than just laying it in your lap while you’re eating. Wait until the host or guest of honor has put his napkin in his lap before you do so. Unfold your napkin under the table (rather than above the table, in sight of your dinner companions) and place it in your lap over both legs. And for heaven’s sake, don’t tuck your napkin into your collar to use as a bib unless you are two.

If you need to leave the table during the meal, place your loosely folded napkin on your chair and replace it in your lap when you return. The hostess will signal the end of the meal by placing her napkin on the table, at which point you should pick up the napkin by the center, gather it loosely, and place it to the left of your plate or, if your plate has been cleared from the table, in the space where the plate used to be.

Use your napkin to blot your lips gently throughout the meal, and never wipe your mouth as if you are trying to scrub glue off your face.

WHAT DO I DO IF I DROP A UTENSIL OR NAPKIN ON THE FLOOR?

If this happens to you, hope that a vigilant waiter will whisk it away and bring you a new one. If he does not (tsk-tsk, garçon!), simply manuver the utensil under the table with your foot, lest someone trip over it, and discreetly ask for a replacement the next time the waiter approaches.

The same rule applies when dining at someone’s home for a formal dinner. Leave the fallen utensil where it is and quietly ask the host for another. Naturally, if you are amongst dear friends and the dinner is informal, pick up the utensil, place it on the table or sideboard, and then ask for a replacement.

WHAT DO I DO IF I HAVE SOMETHING UNSWALLOWABLE IN MY MOUTH?

Dover sole is exquisite until one of its stubborn bones finds its way into your mouth. Take the bone (or any unwelcome item) out of your mouth as discreetly as possible with the tines of your fork or another utensil provided for that course (or your fingers, if no utensils are at hand, and very good luck to you), and place it on the rim of your plate. Don’t spit any unwanted food into your napkin or hide it in your napkin. Doing so will soil the napkin and invite the host’s dog to come beg next to your chair.

WHAT IF I WANT SECONDS?

Unless you are amongst your bosom buddies, it is bad manners to dive for seconds. If you have finished your plate and are pining for more, offer a compliment like, “Darling, even the culinary team at the duke’s house isn’t capable of topping your delicious boeuf bourguignon!” A good host or hostess will take this as a cue to insist that you have more. And she will be giddy from such a compliment!

WHAT DO I DO IF I HAVE TO SNEEZE OR COUGH WHILE I’M EATING?

Ideally, you should quickly excuse yourself from the table and leave the room. But if the sneeze or cough (or burp, oh dear) makes its arrival too quickly and you don’t have a handkerchief, cover your nose and mouth with your napkin and be as discreet as possible. Never blow your nose into your napkin. This is something best done into a tissue, in the bathroom.

HOW SHOULD CHILDREN ACT AT THE DINNER TABLE?

All rules of etiquette apply to tots and should be practiced on days that end in “y.” Now, children, make a real attempt not to wiggle about and not to eat your bread like a baby boar. Try everything that is served to you (even the snails), and keep it a secret if you despise a dish (you can tell your teddy later). When the adults’ conversation becomes tiresome and you really must return to your tent in the backyard, ask the hostess, “May I please be excused?” You will most likely get extra peppermint ice cream if you thank the chef for the delicious meal and push in your chair.

HOW SHOULD I HOLD MY WINE GLASS?

It is impossible to admire the blushing color of a rosé with your fingers wrapped around your wine glass. Moreover, you run the risk of leaving unsightly fingerprints on the glass from the crab rangoon you just gobbled down. Use your thumb, index finger, and middle finger to grasp the glass where the stem meets the bowl, letting your other fingers curl loosely around the stem. Red wines may be held by cupping the bowl in your palm.

It is also important to note that your discerning friend who spent his last holiday stomping grapes in Alsace is right—holding the glass by the stem does maintain the wine at its appropriate temperature. Now, if the wine is served too cold for your tastes, it is acceptable to cup the bowl in your palm until the heat of your hands warms it to a suitable temperature.

HOW SHOULD I HANDLE SILVERWARE?

How one holds a fork separates the cowboys from the city gents. When eating with a fork or spoon, simply grip the utensil with your thumb on top and the rest of your hand and fingers curled underneath it, just as you would hold a pen or pencil. Do try to avoid holding it like a shovel.

Grasp the fork in your left hand and place it tines down to gently hold in place your beef Wellington or whatever you are cutting. Glide the knife to cut a bitesized piece of food; the sawing motion should be left for whacking down a fir for your holiday decorations. Please cut only one bite at a time unless you are cutting up food for a child.

In the European (also called Continental) style of dining, the fork remains in the left hand and is used to spear the piece of food and transfer it directly to the mouth, fork tines down. Meanwhile, the knife stays in the right hand, the right wrist resting against the table’s edge. Try this, as it will make you feel most elegant and propel you to discuss things like the latest Hockney exhibit at the Tate Modern—oh, indeed.

In the American style, after the food has been cut, the knife is laid on the plate, the fork is transferred from the left hand to the right, and the bite of food is speared with the fork and brought to the mouth, fork tines up.

If you are at a dinner party and are not sure what style of dining to use, follow your hostess’s lead. Regardless of the style, keep both elbows at your sides, and let your silverware rest on your plate while you are chewing or chatting.

When you have finished enjoying your meal, place your silverware together at the side of your plate (see Resting versus Finished Position, page 111), and compliment the chef on her culinary victory.

There are a few items that may find their way into your mouth without the escort of a fork. They are:

- Olives

- Whole artichokes

- Corn on the cob

- A sandwich (unless it is impossibly messy)

- Bread

- Crispy bacon

- Fried chicken

- Tacos (though if any filling spills on your plate, use a fork)

- French fries (unless you are eating the rest of the meal with a fork and knife)

- A chocolate bar

HOW DO I POLITELY COMMUNICATE THAT I HAVE A FOOD ALLERGY OR PARTICULAR DIETARY NEEDS?

Practiced hostesses manage this sticky business by inquiring beforehand if their guests have any dietary restrictions. If your hostess doesn’t get around to such an inquiry, it is perfectly suitable to ring her or drop an e-mail. By all means, do make it clear that you do not expect her to adjust the menu only for you. Be pleasant about your request, and apologize for any inconvenience. Whatever happens, jot a note of gratitude after the occasion.

If you think you may not be able to eat most of the dishes, eat a baked potato and some garden berries before you go, and then nibble what you can at dinner. Or, if your allergies are extreme and the gathering will be quite an informal one, you may suggest to the hostess that you bring a delightful dish to share.

Remember that food aversions are not the same thing as true allergies or restrictions. If served something at a dinner party that you do not care for but are not allergic to, consider that your hosts have gone to the trouble to prepare a meal for you and entertain you in their home; showing respect by trying a bit of everything—even just a few nibbles—is your responsibility as a guest. Your expressions of horror over tasting a loathsome pig snout should be saved for your journey home.

WHAT IS THE CORRECT WAY TO SERVE TEA AND COFFEE?

At a dinner party, tea and coffee may be served with or after you present your mille-feuille or whatever lovely little sweet treat you are serving. Cups and saucers do not accompany the original table setting but are brought to the table later. The cup and saucer should be placed to the right of and slightly above the knife and spoon. Alternatively, your guests might appreciate a change of scene; consider serving dessert and tea or coffee, or perhaps a nightcap, in another room. Candles and some Billie Holiday in the background would not go amiss, either.

If you prefer to be a bit ceremonial, pour the tea or coffee and pass it to your guests. Or you may design a little station and welcome your guests to serve themselves.

It is impossible to remember all the bits and pieces that go into a thorough tea or coffee service, so you might refer to this list:

- Teacups/coffee cups

- Saucers

- Tea/coffee spoons (smaller than spoons on a table setting)

- Sugar bowl

- Bowl or container with those pastel-colored sugar substitutes

- Creamer pitcher with milk or cream

- Pot of hot water to dilute strong tea

- Pot of hot coffee/pot of hot tea

It is more proper to brew a pot of tea than to serve cups of hot water with tea bags to guests. However, if you are served tea with a tea bag, allow the tea bag to drip a bit over your cup before placing it on your saucer, and never squeeze the bag with the string. Egads!

WHEN SETTING UP A LUNCH IN THE FOREST DURING A FOX HUNT, SHOULD I BRING REAL SILVER?

Absolutely, and your cook should also pack ironed linens, china plates, and beautiful tartan blankets to put on the ground over the fallen leaves. It is advised, however, to bring a dessert that one may nibble on without silverware, such as a pistachio cardamom butter cookie.

Do Note! (Which One?)

If you are bewildered by the choice of silverware, remember this simple rule of thumb: Start on the outside and work your way in as a meal’s courses progress. For example, for the first course you would use the fork to the far left and the knife to the far right. If you are still a bit flummoxed, glance at your host and follow his direction.

A PRIMER: PASSING FOOD

- Take food if it is reasonably within your reach, but don’t lean past the person sitting next to you.

- Pass all food to the right. If your table got tangled at some point, no fear, simply be consistent.

- Dishes with handles should be passed with the handle pointed toward the person receiving them.

- Hold the platter for your neighbor while he helps himself.

A PRIMER: SOUP AND BREAD

SOUP

- Use a soup spoon to enjoy your soup. Typically the spoon is on the far right of the table setting and has a larger, rounder bowl than the others.

- Eating soup is a tricky affair, but you can use this clever little saying to remind yourself to spoon your soup from the front of the bowl to the back: Like ships that go out to sea, I spoon my soup away from me. If you move slowly, you will not need to lean over the bowl.

- Try to fill your spoon with a small bit of soup (no more than three-quarters full) so it doesn’t spill on the journey to your mouth.

- If the soup bowl is wide and shallow, place the soup spoon in the bowl between bites and when finished. If the bowl is deep, place the spoon on the plate underneath the bowl instead.

- When spooning the last bit of soup from the bowl, tilt the bowl away from you rather than toward you.

- Don’t blow on your poor soup to cool it down. If you cannot wait a moment, you may blow gently on your spoonful.

- Don’t hold bread in your hand while eating your soup. One at a time, now!

- Try not to slurp unless you are at someone’s kitchen table in Shanghai, in which case you should slurp to show your enjoyment of the food.

- We all adore those tasty little oyster crackers, but try to restrain yourself from dumping in too many at once.

BREAD

- Pass bread to the diner on your right. (See A Primer: Passing Food, page 107, for more on passing plates.)

- Take only one piece of bread at a time. Choosing between rosemary focaccia and a French country loaf is a brutal decision, but it must be made.

- The butter knife or lack of one can get you in trouble. Help yourself to a pat or small portion of butter using the butter server (if one is provided) or a butter knife from your own table setting. Avoid using a communal butter server to spread butter on your bread. Rather, use it only for escorting butter to your bread plate. Use your own knife to butter your bread, and do so one piece (or bite) at a time. Never butter your roll all at once.

- Place bread and butter on your bread plate, not your dinner plate (unless a bread plate is not provided).

- Eat your bread piece by piece, tearing it with your dainty fingers rather than taking a bite out of a larger piece.

- Never, ever, ever use bread as a vehicle to push food onto your fork or mop up sauces from a plate—unless your dear mother is watching and you are showing her how much you adore her gravy.

Do Note! (Resting versus Finished Position)

Did you know that your silverware cleverly sends messages to the waiter? How delightfully crafty of it! The “resting position” notes that you are still eating and just taking a moment to share your thoughts on the latest Wes Anderson movie. And the “finished position” indicates that your plate may be cleared.

- Resting position (American): silverware distinctly separated, pointing to five o’clock, fork tines up

- Resting position (European): silverware crossed on the bottom of the plate, knife handle pointing to five o’clock and fork handle to seven o’clock, fork tines down

- Finished position (American): silverware together like a pair of skis, pointing to five o’clock, fork tines up

- Finished position (European): silverware together, pointing to five o’clock, fork tines down

For more on the difference between European/Continental and American dining styles, see How Should I Handle Silverware, page 101.

TABLE SETTINGS

INFORMAL

1. water glass

2. wine glass

3. napkin

4. salad fork

5. dinner fork

6. plate

7. knife

8. teaspoon

9. soup spoon

If your butler catches a cold and you find yourself fumbling to set the table, follow these instructions. Take care to space utensils, plates, glasses, and other elements evenly from each other. In addition, utensils should be laid one inch from the edge of the table, with the bottom rim of the plate extending slightly closer toward the table’s edge than the utensils.

FORMAL

1. bread knife

2. bread plate

3. place card

4. water glass

5. red wine glass

6. white wine glass

7. dessert spoon

8. cake fork

9. service plate

10. napkin

11. salad fork

12. dinner fork

13. salad plate

14. knife

15. teaspoon

16. soup spoon

17. cup and saucer

Do Note! (Setting the Table)

Remember the clever acronym FOrKS as a guide for setting a table from left to right:

—F for fork

—O for the round plate

—K for knife

—S for spoon

A PRIMER: COCKTAIL PARTIES

- Delight your hostess with a small gift of thanks for her hospitality. (See Gift Directory, page 42, for suggestions on what to bring.)

- Always have a napkin in your hand when you are holding a glass of bubbly or a plate of snapper crudo.

- Hold your drink in your left hand so that when you meet others during the party, you will have a dry hand with which to shake theirs. If you are holding both a plate and a drink, smile and chime in, “Oh dear, it appears the palmiers have gotten the best of me”—glancing at your plate—“but it is so lovely to meet you.”

- Wrap any toothpicks from hors d’oeuvres in a napkin and discreetly dispose of them (but not in the base of the host’s prized fiddle-leaf fig tree!), rather than putting them on your cocktail plate.

- Make it a point to introduce yourself to people you don’t know, and make conversation with people other than those you came with. Surely there is an observation of a beastly hot day or impending blizzard with which the conversation may begin.

- Your host is under no obligation to open your bottle of carefully selected Sancerre at the party. He most likely curated other wines for the evening. Take comfort in the fact that he will enjoy your wine while planning his next fête.

- Be composed when the tray of roasted figs with ricotta comes your way. Patiently wait for the tray to come to you, and please don’t stockpile the nibbles—one at a time! And never request more hors d’oeuvres from the waiter.

- Don’t pop an hors d’oeuvre from the buffet directly into your mouth; always put it on a plate first.

- Take a last sip of your cocktail and leave it (on a coaster) in the cocktail area before heading to the dining table.

I do love a delightful social event. From printing the invitations to choosing the canapés and the music to organizing the speeches, is there anything better? My favorite of all favorites was a late June party on the patio with hundreds of ranunculus flowers keeping the bluestone company. Donned in tuxes and long frocks, the night was near perfection until a very blitzed Duke Bambi thought it wise to swan-dive fully clothed into the pool. It caused quite a scandal, and the duke has yet to live down his impromptu swim. While enjoying oneself is paramount, there are other things you need to keep in mind when attending a party or event. This chapter covers all kinds of fêtes where you may find yourself, and it offers the knowledge I’ve gained over countless gatherings, collected here so people won’t be recounting your embarrassing moment for years to come.

INVITATIONS: PRINTED OR PAPERLESS?

There was a day when a brass letter opener was all one needed to get through a pudgy stack of paper invitations. Today, the little white mouse labors away, clicking Accept, Decline, Accept, Decline in the world of paperless invitations. Their growing popularity is not without good reason: They are less costly, environmentally friendlier, more efficient, and simpler to manage than their hard-copy counterparts, and they can be just as beautiful as paper missives. However, there are unmistakable occasions for which there’s no substitute for a printed, stamped, and posted invitation.

DO MAKE THE CEREMONIAL EFFORT TO POST AN INVITATION IF:

- It’s a landmark event such as a wedding, a milestone birthday or anniversary party, a retirement party, or a baptism; a formal affair; or an event that guests will have to pencil in well in advance.

- A large portion of the guest list cannot be trusted to rely on e-mail.

- You want to add the occasion’s invitation to your memory book.

(For tips on writing and formatting a wedding or another formal invitation, see The Invitation, page 158.)

GO AHEAD AND SEND A PAPERLESS INVITATION (OR E-MAIL) IF:

- The occasion is casual, such as a ladies’ garden brunch or stag party.

- Most guests are accessible via e-mail. (For any who aren’t, please give them a ring.)

- You dillydallied and the event is occurring in less than a month.

A PRIMER: RSVPS

- RSVP, or Répondez s’il vous plaît (“Please respond”), is a critical call for information. RSVPing in a timely manner allows a host to meticulously plan his party. The French have such a stunning way with words, even when they are being a bit bossy, don’t they, now?

- Well, go on, don’t lollygag. Be a dutiful guest by replying within a day of receiving the invitation. Otherwise your invitation will get buried under a pile of correspondence, inevitably forcing you to miss the deadline.

- If circumstances make your attendance uncertain (e.g., your older brother might be flying in from Hong Kong that night), consider contacting the host to kindly request an extension for replying. Respond in the manner requested on the invitation for RSVPs (e-mail, phone, etc.).

- If you are hosting and have a handful of naughty guests who haven’t responded, politely inquire as to whether they will be attending. (For more on this, see How Do I Follow Up with Guests who Haven’t RSVP’d, page 176.)

- For very fancy parties, such as weddings, prestamped reply cards are often paired with the invitations to make the RSVP process simple.

- Though the phrase Please RSVP is often seen on today’s correspondence, it should be avoided because it is redundant; the SVP of RSVP means please. Alternatively, you may use the wording Please respond by [date].

DRESS CODES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

BUSINESS CASUAL OR DRESSY CASUAL

- Occasion: Relaxed workplaces; conferences and other work-related events; informal weddings; daytime parties
Ladies: You can’t go wrong with a dressy blouse paired with stylish trousers or high-end denim, a modest skirt or dress, and a tailored blazer. Pair with heels or dressy flats; it’s your choice. But no flip-flops, please!

Gentlemen: Slacks or khakis with collared button-down or polo shirts are de rigeur, and sport coats and/or ties are optional but add a little more panache. Wear elegant shoes and a complementary belt to complete the look.

COCKTAIL OR SEMIFORMAL

- Occasion: Cocktail parties, dinner parties, weddings
Ladies: Your best little black dress or other cocktail-length dress (knee-length or a few inches shorter), dressy separates, or even a luxe pantsuit are all good options. Heels are the traditional choice, but dressy flats will do.

Gentlemen: Stick with a suit and a dress shirt, or dress pants and a dress shirt that complement each other. A tie is encouraged, though not required, but dress shoes and a complementary belt are necessities. For a semiformal event, choose a darker color for your suit and shoes or you’ll look out of place.

FESTIVE

- Occasion: Holiday parties, other themed events
Ladies and Gentlemen: The same attire you’d wear for a cocktail party is appropriate here, but choose colors and accessories that fit the party theme.

FORMAL OR BLACK TIE

- Occasion: Weddings, galas, red-carpet events, milestone parties, and formal events that start at six or seven p.m.
Ladies: A long or short evening dress or elegant cocktail dress will look just charming with high heels and fine jewelry. If the invite states “black tie,” tone down any bright colors or loud patterns, and stick with something a bit more conservative in cut and color.

Gentlemen: This is not the time for novelty patterns or bright colors. Choose a dark suit with a conservative dress shirt and tie, or even consider breaking out a tuxedo. And please note: If the invite specifies “black tie,” a tuxedo is the only option.

WHITE TIE

- Occasion: Weddings, state dinners, and events where the invitation specifies “white tie”
Ladies: A formal floor-length evening gown is the only option here, with your fanciest heels and highest-quality jewelry. White gloves are optional but add a classy touch.

Gentlemen: Outfit yourself in a long black tailcoat with a white shirt, a white bow tie and preferably a white waistcoat or vest, and black shoes. A top hat and white scarf would complete the look, although it’s not a requirement. If you’re a member of the armed services, your military dress uniform would be smashing.

ROYAL ENCOUNTERS

- Occasion: Knighthood ceremonies, tea with the Queen, and congratulatory parties for your Nobel Prize or Lifetime Achievement Award from the Motion Picture Association of America
Ladies: Whatever dress you choose, make sure to wear a darling hat that matches. Add a silk scarf, two strands of pearls, and some kitten heels to complete the outfit.

Gentlemen: Nothing but your most dapper suit will do, accented by a stylish tie and pocket square.

Do Note! (Don’t Overdo It)

Dear gentlemen: Upon those occasions when you dress in a dinner jacket or tuxedo, kindly avoid doubling up on certain accessories. You need not choose one from each category below, but you certainly may not choose more than one:

- pocket square or boutonniere

- suspenders or belt

- cummerbund or vest

A PRIMER: HATS

- Kindly hold your hat during the national anthem; when the American flag passes by (such as in a parade); when greeting somebody; or inside a restaurant, somebody’s home, or the theater.

- Other than at the stadium’s hot dog stand, there is rarely an occasion when you should be eating with a hat on your head.

- You may leave your hat on when you are outdoors, on public transportation, at athletic events, in an elevator, or in public buildings such as the post office or an airport. However, please remove it if it is blocking the view of the person behind you.

- If you want to tuck your winning horse race ticket in your hat band, tuck it on the left.

- An additional note for ladies: Do note if your event calls for a hat. The Royal Ascot races, Wimbledon, Easter Sunday, a royal tea, and other fashionable events all ask that you get out your hatbox. In those situations, choose a dressy hat to match your outfit, never a baseball cap, winter hat, or rain hood. And even if the event calls for a fashionable hat, remove it if it blocks the view of the person behind you.

Do Note! (Dear Button . . .)

There is a clever and entirely useful little word to recall when buttoning your jacket: MAN—which stands for Maybe, Always, Never and refers to the buttons of your jacket from top to bottom. The following sums it up perfectly:

The top button should maybe be buttoned (it’s your call), the middle button should always be buttoned, and the bottom button should never be buttoned. If the suit has only two buttons, skip Maybe and go straight to Always, Never. No matter what, never button the bottom button.

MAKING INTRODUCTIONS

Bungling through introductions at a party may make you feel entirely ill-composed and more suited for the tots’ table. Let’s avoid the panic attack. Remember to speak to the person who is higher in the social hierarchy, or who is outside the family or company, and present the other person to them.

When making an introduction, look first at the person you are honoring as you say his or her name, and then look at the person you are presenting as you say his or her name.

PRESENT

TO

A child

An adult

A person without a title

Anyone with a title (e.g., Doctor, Judge, Reverend)

A family member

A friend

A party guest

The guest of honor

A coworker or boss

A client

A lower-ranking employee

A boss, CEO, or higher-ranking employee

- Include the first and last name in your introduction unless the person shares the same last name as you.

- Give the introduction some context and ideally mention something that the two people have in common.

- When somebody approaches a group, don’t make him suffer by not introducing him. Get the group’s attention by saying each person’s first name and then make the introduction.

- When being introduced, greet with a smile, a firm handshake, and eye contact. Include the person’s name as you greet her: “It’s lovely to meet you, Kristin.”

- When your host is trying to hush the hounds in the back, there is no need to wait to be introduced. Simply extend your hand, look the person in the eyes, and say, “Hello, I am Wren.”

And now for an example of a perfect introduction: “Lila, I would like you to meet Pilar Pontes, my cousin. Pilar, this is Lila Lemoncello—we were ballet students together in grammar school. Lila is fresh from a scouting trip for morel mushrooms. Pilar, as a chef, do you enjoy cooking with morels?” Whew, now off to the bar cart!

(See Introductions and Chitchat Q&A, page 136, for more information on making an introduction.)

A PRIMER: MAKING CONVERSATION

- Chat about common-ground topics. Somebody who doesn’t have children might not care that your tot has entered his Blue Period in finger painting. Avoid controversial topics that may cause a bit of a scene.

- Be conscious of your body language—try not to look bored or dismissive by folding your arms or yawning—and maintain eye contact.

- Ask gobs of questions, preferably ones that cannot be answered with “yes” or “no.”

- Kindly avoid interrupting or chatting on and on and on and on.

- It is terribly rude to check your phone while in a conversation, or to look over a person’s shoulder.

- Even if you saw Bernard canoodling with the parlor maid moments ago, keep any gossip to yourself.

- If you need to move on, end your conversation politely. See How Do I Politely Remove Myself from a Conversation, page 140.

INTRODUCTIONS AND CHITCHAT Q&A

WHEN SHOULD I USE THE PERSONAL TITLES “MR.” OR “MRS.,” AND WHEN IS IT OK TO USE A FIRST NAME?

If someone is introduced to you as “Mr. Alfred Alabaster” or “Mrs. (or Ms.) Ruby Reddington,” then you should address them as “Mr. Alabaster” and “Mrs. (or Ms.) Reddington,” unless you hear otherwise from the person: “Please call me Alfie.”

If you are introduced to someone older than you by first and last name only, it is still polite to use “Mr.” or “Mrs.” when addressing him or her, again until told otherwise. This rule of thumb holds in formal or business settings as well, regardless of the person’s age.

If you are making introductions, you will likely know a person’s preferred method of address—“Mr.,” “Mrs.,” “Ms.,” or first name—but if you don’t, it’s always smart to err on the formal side and use the personal title.

MUST I STAND WHEN INTRODUCED TO SOMEONE?

Absolutely. If you fancy yourself a lady or gentleman, do stand when someone enters the room at a small gathering, or when you are meeting someone for the first time. The gesture puts you on eye level with the other person, extending mighty respect. Now, if you broke your leg playing squash and cannot stand, or are trapped three people deep in a booth at the bistro, you may stay seated, but maybe tack on a clever remark about being tethered and attempt to rise as much as possible as you extend your hand.

Other than those two instances, if you are shaking hands, you should be standing tall. This also goes for when people are leaving a party; do stand to bid them farewell.

WHAT DO I DO WHEN I DON’T REMEMBER SOMEONE’S NAME OR HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT?

Oh dear, is it Adelaide or Amelia? If you are like me, you frequently have moments when you know you should recall somebody’s name but cannot. Find a confidante and discreetly ask her if she remembers the individual’s name. If you hit a dead end, give it a beat to see if the name is mentioned in conversation. If it is still a no-go, reintroduce yourself and mention where you met: “Hello, I’m Umberto. We met last spring at the Oppenheim opening.” Hopefully she will take the bait and reintroduce herself. If not, smile and say, “My mind is useless tonight. I remember our chat last spring but cannot recall your name. . . . Would you please tell me again?”

Of course, you may ask somebody to repeat their name if you didn’t hear correctly: “Would you kindly repeat your name for me?” If it is a difficult name for you to pronounce, simply say, “I am fumbling with the pronunciation of your name. Could you please remind me how to say it?”

Now, if somebody calls you Oliver when your name is Billy, you could either just sweep it under the rug or, in situations when you will certainly see them again, quip, “Actually, my name is Billy. But no worries, people get it wrong all the time.”

IS IT OK TO ASK SOMEONE IF HE OR SHE HAS CHILDREN?

At a party, or in any social setting, go on and ask others if they have children. If the answer is yes, chances are they want to commiserate about bedtime battles royal. That said, rather than pry, let them lead the conversation. Of course, keep your manners intact and avoid potentially hurtful comments, such as, “You only have one child? Doesn’t she want a little brother to march around?”

Never, ever, ever, ever ask someone if they are planning to have children or why they chose not to have children.

And never, ever, ever ask a woman if she is pregnant, even if it looks like she is hiding a basketball under her tunic.

WHAT ARE APPROPRIATE TOPICS FOR LIGHT CONVERSATION?

It is always good to have a few topics tucked in your back pocket. May we suggest:

- What the person enjoys doing in her spare time or the location of her most recent vacation

- A mutual interest in grass-court tennis, rooftop gardening, cricket, or regatta sailing

- The lack of snow and its negative impact on your ski time

- Places to see the northern lights

- How poodles are taking over the world

- Mexican chocolate

- The best pizza in the city

- The American Ballet’s red costuming of Firebird

Note the old standbys that didn’t make the list: sex, religion, politics, money, and any tasteless jokes that could offend.

HOW DO I POLITELY REMOVE MYSELF FROM A CONVERSATION?

When you find your mind drifting to last night’s drama on television, you might need to move on to the next conversation. Rather than interrupting, wait for a break and say something like, “Pedro, I loved chatting with you. Please excuse me, as I need to freshen my drink.” Or, if possible, introduce that person to a new person, and then make your getaway by using the same wording.

If you are in conversation with someone who won’t stop talking and you can’t get a word in to excuse yourself, try changing your body language: Point your feet and body slightly away from the person and toward others. If this hint doesn’t work, you may break into the conversation as graciously as possible and give an excuse that won’t be challenged: “Please excuse me—I just noticed the time, and I need to make a phone call.” You could also break in to suggest a change of venue that might allow you another opportunity to exit the conversation: “Would you care to join me to see how Gracie trimmed the tree this year?” or “I see the guest of honor over there—let’s go introduce ourselves.”

IS THERE A RESPECTFUL WAY TO DISAGREE?

When you find yourself in a disagreement on how to pronounce tomato (or maybe a slightly more substantial topic), it may be easier to gracefully change the subject than to battle it out.

Now, if you simply cannot let it go, aim to be diplomatic. Extend an open ear to the other person to let him express his side without your objections. If there are aspects that you agree with, say so, to build common ground. When it is your turn to speak, be honest yet tactful. Lead every other sentence with “I believe that . . .” or “It is my opinion . . .” If the conversation gets too heated, let it go: “Let’s agree to disagree and head over to the buffet to nibble on some shrimp.”

HOW SHOULD I RESPOND TO SOMEONE’S “BIG NEWS”?

An engagement: “Congratulations, my friend Laurie! Tell me more!” Steer clear of noting the size of her ring, your suspicions that this would never happen, or any pitiful comments about balls and chains.

A baby: “Ruby, you are going to be the most amazing mother. Congratulations!” No need to comment on the mother’s size, voice your fertility suspicions, or ask how the conception took place. And please, oh please, avoid launching into your own dreadful pregnancy or birth story. The only appropriate comment about the mother-to-be’s appearance is “You look wonderful!”

A death: “Oh, dear Wallace, I am so sorry to hear about your great-uncle Milton. I am going to bring your family some lentil soup next Tuesday—does that day work for you?” No chatter about God’s will or Milton’s being in a better place, and for heaven’s sake, don’t tell your friend you know how he feels.

A divorce or breakup: “Alice, I am so sorry to hear this news but appreciate the update. How are you doing?” Not helpful: notes to Alice about her husband being an insufferable nitwit that she should have ditched her senior year of university and reassurance that she is better off without such a pompous windbag.

A promotion: “Well, well, well, Johnnie, a big congratulations to you! That shop is so lucky to have snatched you!” No matter how curious you are about how much the promotion is worth, please, some discipline.

A firing: “Eloise, I am so sorry to hear about your job. Is there anything I can do to help you?” Although tempting, there’s no need to reassure Eloise that everyone seems to be getting laid off these days or that she will find something soon. Just let her know you’re there for her.

HOW CAN I MAKE SURE MY CHILDREN WILL BE WELCOME GUESTS?

At times, even the best-behaved children might exhibit some outrageous—I mean creative—behavior. But in general, your darling tots are welcome to ask funny little questions and make brilliant observations, as long as they attempt to practice some basic manners:

- Chirp “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.”

- In addition to tugging on Mummy’s hem (which can be quite effective), say, “Excuse me, Mummy.”

- Cover their mouth when sneezing (and teach their pet tiger to do so, too).

- Tap-tap-tap on a door before opening it.

- Patiently wait their turn in lines, particularly at the ice cream truck.

- Respond graciously when given a gift, reading the card (if they’ve acquired that skill), unwrapping it gently, and saying thank you to the gift giver.

- Be respectful of people’s differences.

- Be kind to people, and avoid making fun of them.

- Watch their manners at the dinner table, including eating with utensils, putting a napkin in their lap, and chatting a bit with the people at the table.

- Learn how to properly greet and say good-bye to people, whether in a shop or at home. Maintaining eye contact, saying hello, and shaking hands will make your little cherub a charmer.

WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO ARRIVE FOR AN EVENT?

Lady Marie Antoinette set the rules for arrival times ages ago. No need to reinvent the wheel; here are the details:

- Wedding: 15 to 20 minutes before start time

- Dinner party or another party at a home: within 10 to 15 minutes after the start time

- Cocktail party: within 15 minutes after the start time

- Bridal or baby shower: on time to 5 minutes after the start time

- Child’s birthday party: on time to 5 minutes after the start time

- Funeral: 15 to 20 minutes before the start time

- Graduation: 15 to 20 minutes before the start time

Other than for a ceremonial event, such as a wedding or funeral, kindly avoid showing up early; it may disrupt the host’s last-minute scramble to finish getting ready or repair the fallen soufflé. If you are going to arrive after the time windows listed, it is polite to call (or text) the hostess to let her know you are running a bit late. (See House Parties and Dinner Parties Q&A [for Guests], page 73.)

HOW SHOULD I PARK MY HELICOPTER WHEN ATTENDING A FRIEND’S EVENT?

Surely you prefer to be inconspicuous about your means of transportation, but landing a helicopter is rarely quiet. First, ask whether your host has a landing pad. If he does, then by all means, schedule your landing and move forward to the glass clinking and music. If he does not, consider coming a bit early, landing in the backyard, and roaming about the gardens until the party starts. Be considerate not to crumple the daffodils.

BABY SHOWERS Q&A

WHO SHOULD HOST A BABY SHOWER?

It used to be considered a no-no to let a relative host your baby shower, but now any family member or close friend may take the reins. And good news: It is acceptable to have several showers, with different hosts and guest lists.

WHO SHOULD BE INVITED TO A BABY SHOWER?

Although it is tempting to invite the entire village to your shower, including Juniper, whom you just met in the banana aisle, remember that it is a gift-giving occasion, so the guest list should be limited to those you know well. Office baby showers are a marvelous way for coworkers to take a break from those dreadful e-mails and come drink tangerine punch while watching you unwrap itty-bitty onesies. And coed showers (to shower both the mummy- and papa-to-be) are quite in vogue.

HOW CLOSE TO THE BABY’S DUE DATE SHOULD THE PARTY TAKE PLACE?

Between one and two months before the due date is standard, though parties that take place earlier (or even after the birth) are suitable as well.

ARE GAMES OR ACTIVITIES MANDATORY?

Thankfully, no. As a hostess, know your crowd. If you think Baby Bingo will not make everyone cringe, by all means, proceed. But note that guests are perfectly happy to sit about, chatting and eating black-pepper cookies. If you plan to skip the games, consider adding a bit of structure to the shower: a greeting, a short toast, lunch, and dessert while opening presents.

IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO ASK A MUMMY-TO-BE IF A NAME HAS BEEN PICKED?

This is tricky and ideally should be avoided. If you have not an iota of discipline, go ahead, but know that the mother-to-be may feel awkward and is under no obligation to share. Most likely she is wisely keeping the name under lock and key to avoid someone chirping, “Oh dear, I never met an Edgar I liked, but I am sure your baby will be lovely!”

IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO TOUCH THE MOTHER-TO-BE’S STOMACH?

Pregnant women are not house pets, and it is best to avoid touching their tummies. Now, if you are her best friend and used to braid her hair on Saturday nights, you may ask if it’s OK, but you must abide by her answer.

WHAT IS A BABY SPRINKLE?

The clever modern “baby sprinkle” is for women celebrating their subsequent babies. A dash of restraint guides a sprinkle. It should be a smaller affair, with only a close group of family and friends. Unlike a baby shower, a sprinkle doesn’t usually include games, activities, or elaborate swan cakes, but is rather a chance for a mum-to-be to bask in her friends’ company before being sequestered with a newborn.

Since the mother will likely already have the baby necessities, it is also generally appropriate to skip making a registry for a sprinkle. But that doesn’t mean gifts would be unwelcome. Sprinkle gifts could include consumable items like nappies and wipes, darling bits of baby clothes, or something for the mom-to-be.

A PRIMER: VISITING A NEW BABY

- The baby has been born! Basket of tarts in hand, you are ready to visit. But kindly wait for an invitation to meet the new baby; never show up unannounced. It is charming, however, to send the new parents a congratulatory text or e-mail and mention that you’d love to meet the baby when it is convenient for them.

- Hospital visits are typically reserved for close family members. Negotiating six people in a tiny hospital room while sitting in her robe might be dreadful for the new mother.

- Arrive on time with gifts under your arm. New parents will appreciate delicious nibbles that aren’t fussy and can be popped in the freezer. Flowers (already in a vase) or a gift for the baby are also suitable, especially if it is something adorable such as a monogrammed romper straight from Paris.

- Germs are certainly not welcome. Scrub your dirty little paws before holding the baby. And if you are harboring a cold, please reschedule!

- Never, ever, ever wake a sleeping baby.

- In the early days, one hour or less is plenty of time for a visit.

- Avoid sharing your story about being in labor for thirty-six hours. Unless asked, it is all about the parents and their experience.

- Of course, the parents might be a bit ragged and not alert enough to offer you a Bloody Mary. Don’t expect to be entertained, and perhaps glance about the house to see if there is something you may do to assist: fold the dish towels, wash the plates, or take the apricot poodle for a stroll around the block.

FUNERALS Q&A

WHEN SHOULD I GO TO A FUNERAL?

Unless the funeral or memorial service is private, or if your presence would land you on Page Six, you should attend. Being there is a signal to the bereaved that you share their loss and are there for them in their time of grief. If you are not able to attend a funeral because of logistics, send a condolence note to the family at your earliest convenience, or, if you are very close to the family, ask to pay a personal visit. At the service itself, be respectful and sit quietly. Put your phone away.

WHAT SHOULD BE SAID TO THE FAMILY?

If you don’t know the family, greet the family member and explain how you knew the deceased. Keep it short: “Your father was in my Sunday bocce ball club.”

Offer your sympathy, as well as a warm remembrance or brief story of the deceased: “Bartholomew always made a marvelous Sunday sauce for our cavatappi.” If you can’t think of anything, a simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I will really miss him” will do.

Don’t ask about the death itself, or the person’s last hours or days. And no need to share bits about people who have passed in your own life.

SHOULD I SEND FLOWERS?

Send flowers either to the home of the deceased or his or her family, or to the funeral home. It is perfectly acceptable to pool resources with a group of people in order to send a larger arrangement. Some obituaries note that in lieu of flowers the family would prefer contributions to a charitable organization or another group. In this case, send a check or donate online, and be sure to include a note that says, “In memory of [deceased’s name].”

Different cultures and religions have their own customs when it comes to flowers at funerals, so make sure that what you send is in keeping with tradition. And if you know that the deceased had a favorite flower, by all means send an arrangement that includes it.

WHAT’S APPROPRIATE TO WEAR TO A FUNERAL?

Historically, one would wear only black to a funeral. Today the only requirement is to look modest. Unless the deceased left wishes that funeral attendees wear bright colors or other specific attire, it is best to wear darker colors and conservative cuts. If you can accomplish that by wearing a quiet navy sheath, or any piece without jazzy buttons or absurd patterning, you are cleared for the event. Children do not need to wear black either, but no play clothes, please. Should you find yourself at a funeral in a culture that is distinctly different from yours, do a little homework to make sure your colors match the culture’s practice.

SHOULD I BRING FOOD TO THE FUNERAL’S RECEPTION?

Typically, the deceased’s family, close friends, or church members sort out the food at a funeral reception. If you would like to give food, bring something that can be easily frozen and eaten by the family at a later date, or better yet, offer to bring them a meal a few weeks after the funeral. Make sure to include your calling card or a note with the food so the family knows it came from your hands. Never take food home from a funeral buffet—even if you are a pitiful college student.

DOES ONE NEED TO DRIVE IN THE PROCESSION?

After the funeral service, a procession of cars will drive to the graveyard. You are not obligated to attend the burial, but if you do, you certainly may drive in the procession. Turn down the Rolling Stones (unless old Maud loved “Paint It Black”), and put your blinkers on. At the funeral home or church where the service is held, there will often be an attendant distributing cards or flags for attendees who plan to be in the procession to display, so all processional cars can stay together. If you’re unclear where to go, inquire with the funeral director or clergy member leading the service—anyone, really, as long as you don’t bother the family of the deceased.

Last spring, good fortune had me attending Prince Poppy’s stag party, which was spent traipsing about the hills of Tanzania in hopes of watching the gazelles practice their arabesques. A dozen of us chaps were getting lost in Orion’s Belt when the prince launched into a lengthy list of our duties as groomsmen. Oh, dear prince, may I remind you that at your brother’s wedding I tied the ring bearer’s bow tie, thwarted a nosy auntie, found the band’s lost sheet music, and convinced Lady Marigold to dance with me? Attending countless weddings through the years has given me sore feet but a firm grasp on social etiquette, which I will now share with you.

THE INVITATION

For a wedding invite, and any formal invitation, the event hosts receive the honor of being listed first. If there is more than one host (lucky you!), list them in the following order:

1) Bride’s mother (and spouse)

2) Bride’s father (and spouse)

3) Groom’s mother (and spouse)

4) Groom’s father (and spouse)

The phrase the honor of your presence indicates that the wedding will take place in a house of worship. Otherwise, the words the pleasure of your company or invite you to the marriage of are suitable. For a less formal wedding, the phrase invite you to share our joy may be used.

RSVP or The favor of a reply is requested by [date] goes in the lower left-hand corner of the invitation. Since few people these days send a reply to the host from their personal stationery, most modern-day wedding invitations include an RSVP card that may be returned to the host. (For more on RSVPs, see A Primer: RSVPs, page 122.)

On the most proper invitations, the dress code details are listed only if the event is very formal. In these cases, print either Black tie or White tie in the lower right-hand corner of the invitation. Modern invitations have grown a bit more carefree and may include dress code alternatives such as cocktail attire, semiformal, coat and tie, or tuxes and smashing frocks. (For more on dress codes, see Dress Codes for All Occasions, page 124.)

For a ceremony on the half hour, the wording is half after five o’clock, not half past five or five thirty.

To specify whether children may attend, see How Do I Make It Clear that I Don’t Want Children at My Wedding, page 172.

A SAMPLING OF WEDDING CORRESPONDENCE

Traditionally, the bride’s parents hosted the wedding, but if that’s not the case at your fête, don’t fret. The following suggestions cover a variety of hosting situations. If the reception is at a different venue from the ceremony be a dear and use a reception card that guest’s can reference when navigating to the second location. If the reception is at the same venue as the ceremony, you may skip the reception card and simply note Reception to follow or Dinner and dancing to follow on the invitation underneath the venue’s address.

THE INVITATION

Ms. Rosalind Pernot Parrish
and
Mr. Frederick Ford Fairclough
together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs. Edgar Aldrich Parrish
and
Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fairclough
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage
Saturday, the nineteenth of August
Two thousand eighteen
at half after five o’clock
Trinity Church
New York City

RSVP

White tie

IF ONLY ONE SET OF PARENTS HOSTS THE WEDDING

Mr. and Mrs. Edgar Aldrich Parrish
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter

IF THE BRIDE AND GROOM HOST THE WEDDING

Ms. Rosalind Pernot Parrish
and
Mr. Frederick Ford Fairclough
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage

IF BOTH SETS OF PARENTS HOST THE WEDDING

Mr. and Mrs. Edgar Aldrich Parrish
and
Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fairclough
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their children

THE RECEPTION CARD

Reception to follow
at half after six o’clock
The New York Public Library
Fifth Avenue at Forty-Second Street
New York City
Black tie

ENGAGEMENT PARTIES AND WEDDING SHOWERS Q&A

WHO HAS THE HONOR OF HOSTING AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY OR WEDDING SHOWER?

It seems as if only moments after you see that sparkle on her finger the chatter of party planning begins. Traditionally, the bride-to-be’s parents hosted the engagement party, and bridesmaids or wedding attendants hosted the shower, but etiquette does not insist that they do so. Absolutely anyone but the bride and groom can host either or both events—from your grammar-school friend to your maid of honor to your tailor to other family or friends. But keep in mind, neither the maid of honor nor the best man should be expected to host an engagement party, since they need to reserve their strength for a parade of future wedding-related events and duties.

WHAT IF TWO PEOPLE WANT TO THROW ME AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY OR SHOWER?

If the two people know each other, you might suggest that they combine efforts and throw one party. Now, if they don’t know each other, or one lives in Marbella and the other in Brooklyn, it might be less complicated for each person to host a shower. It’s perfectly suitable to have two engagement parties and two showers. In that case, the guest lists should have very little overlap so that guests don’t feel required to go to multiple engagement parties or multiple wedding showers. If one of the events is hosted by family, it should be scheduled first.

WHO SHOULD BE INVITED?

Wedding showers are usually fairly intimate events, with anywhere from five to forty guests, while engagement parties are often somewhat larger affairs since they are conventionally for both members of the couple. Showers were traditionally only for ladies, but today coed showers are growing in popularity and tend to be quite delightful.

Ultimately, the size of the guest list is up to the shower honoree (or honorees), but it is considered excellent form for the honoree(s) to ask the host how many guests can be comfortably accommodated before submitting a guest list.

Regardless of size, the guest list should include those individuals who will incontestably find themselves invited to the grand day. The only exceptions to this rule are in the case of an impossibly small and quaint wedding, or an office wedding shower, where coworkers come together to share a piece of cake with the bride or groom.

WHEN SHOULD THE EVENTS TAKE PLACE?

An engagement party can take place anytime from within a week to three months after the engagement, and ideally at least six months out from the wedding. Two months to a few weeks before the wedding is the sweet spot for a wedding or bridal shower.

DO I HAVE TO BUY AN ENGAGEMENT GIFT AND A WEDDING SHOWER GIFT? DO I ALSO NEED TO SEND A WEDDING GIFT?

Yes. Each wedding-related event you attend requires a gift. No need to get in a huff about this rule; the gifts do not need to be equal in value. See Do Note! (My Sad Wallet), page 184, for information on how to allocate your budget for wedding gifts, and Gift Directory, page 42, for advice on appropriate gifts for these and any other wedding-related events.

IS THE GROOM-TO-BE EXPECTED TO ATTEND AN ALL-FEMALE WEDDING SHOWER?

Who doesn’t love when the handsome groom sheepishly appears (most appropriately toward the end of the party), thanking attendees and inevitably stuffing red velvet cake into his mouth? However, if Mr. Groom-to-Be wants to hide or go bike around the block, that is perfectly acceptable, as there is no rule that he must attend.

WHEN GETTING A PAINTING COMMISSIONED OF THE NEWLY ENGAGED, SHOULD YOU INCLUDE THEIR DOG?

If their pup accompanies the young couple to brunch and on weekend trips, he is clearly loved and should be considered for the painting. Perhaps put him in the background sniffing about in a meadow, and not on the bride-to-be’s lap.

Do Note! (Who Hears First?)

To avoid hurt feelings, consider unrolling the news to family and friends in the most traditional way: in person or over a staticky overseas phone call. The bride-to-be’s parents and the children of the couple come first. Next comes other family, and then close friends. After that, the couple may choose to tell acquaintances and coworkers in person, or through a social media post or a more traditional newspaper engagement announcement.

When your friend gets engaged, remember that it is her news to share with the world. Foil that inner voice begging to shout the happy gossip to the world.

In the unfortunate situation that your engagement is canceled (oh dear), it’s good manners to alert your family, friends, and others in the same order that you announced the engagement.

A PRIMER: A RECEIVING LINE

- Traditionally, the line was headed by the bride’s parents (who were hosting the wedding), followed by the bride and groom, and then the groom’s parents. But today’s receiving lines can include only the bride and groom, or the couple and their mothers, or the couple and members of their wedding party.

- The receiving line should take place after the wedding ceremony but before the reception really gets under way; placing the receiving line at the entrance to the reception site is perfect. And if the guests can see a tray of freshly poured bubbly after shaking that last hand, bliss!

- As you move through a receiving line as a wedding guest, introduce yourself to any person you do not know. Congratulate the newlyweds, but keep your chatter brief so those behind you do not get impatient.

- Never bring a cocktail or canapé with you. Place it on a nearby table while you navigate the line.

- When embracing the bride, take care not to leave your red lipstick on her lace dress or cheek. Egads!

WEDDINGS Q&A (FOR THE COUPLE)

AM I EXPECTED TO INVITE ALL MY COWORKERS TO MY WEDDING?

See Must I Invite Coworkers to a Wedding or Other Formal Event, page 210, for this and other work etiquette advice.

IF I KNOW SOMEONE CAN’T ATTEND MY WEDDING, DO I INVITE HIM OR HER ANYWAY?

Even if you know a guest cannot attend, mailing an invitation is a worthy gesture; it sends the message that you wish they could be there.

HOW DO I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I DON’T WANT CHILDREN AT MY WEDDING?

No need to fumble with lengthy excuses about why you prefer not to have tots at your wedding. If children aren’t included by name on an invitation (i.e., the invitation is addressed only to a household’s adults), they are not invited and should be left at home. If you think that might not be clear enough, consider including wording on your wedding website such as We want you to be able to join the conga line without a care, so please make other arrangements for your darling tots. But even if you want a child-free wedding, it’s polite to make an exception for nursing mothers.

If guests are flying in from out of town and will have their children in tow, providing them with a list of possible nanny options is a lovely gesture. Better yet, if your wedding budget allows it, foot the bill for a babysitter who can look after guests’ children at the resort where they are staying.

One final (and tricky) note: If you stated that your wedding will be child-free but you include children in your wedding party (as a flower girl or ring bearer, for example), it’s best to find child care for the youngsters during the reception so you don’t offend parents whose children weren’t invited.

SHOULD SINGLE INVITEES ALWAYS BE PERMITTED TO BRING A GUEST?

No. But if a potential guest is engaged or living with a long-term partner, both people should be invited. In this case, it is best to address the invitation to both people, rather than one name and “guest,” which might suggest a careless attitude toward your friend’s boyfriend. (For more on addressing invitations, see Addressing Envelopes, page 12.)

WHO SHOULD HOST THE REHEARSAL DINNER?

Historically, a groom’s parents planned and paid for a rehearsal dinner. But in more modern times, anything goes. Other family members or friends may host, or the couple themselves may choose to host the event.

WHO IS INVITED TO THE REHEARSAL DINNER?

At the very least, the bride and groom, their immediate family, the wedding party, and anyone else who will be participating in the wedding (for example, the officiant) should be invited to a rehearsal celebration. Beyond that, the list may be extended to include other family and close friends, out-of-town guests, or even the entire group of wedding attendees, especially if you happen to be tying the knot on a Balearic Island.

DO I NEED TO HAVE A GIFT TABLE AT MY WEDDING?

Yes. Though it is good etiquette to send a gift to the couple before the wedding rather than bringing it to the event, it is likely that some guests will arrive bearing physical gifts, and they’ll need a place to put them. You can have a dedicated gift table (in this case, a handsome framed sign that reads THANK YOU will make the table’s purpose clear), or the table that holds your guest book and/or your escort cards can double as a gift table. Having a box or tray on the table for cards is a lovely touch. Consider arranging for a close family member to collect all the gifts and cards at the end of the celebration. As a newlywed, you might be too busy sipping bubbly and staring into your beau’s eyes to be bothered.

DO I HAVE TO PROVIDE TRANSPORTATION FOR MY GUESTS ON THE WEDDING DAY?

Unless your ceremony or reception site has no space to park cars, you do not have to provide transportation. However, if your budget allows, it is thoughtful to offer guests rides (ideally in a vintage trolley) between the hotel and the ceremony/reception site. If you are so kind as to do so, let guests know well in advance, in case they want to skip booking rental cars.

Even if you choose not to hire a driver for all wedding guests, it’s good etiquette to arrange for transportation for your wedding party, your immediate family, and any special elderly guests.

WHEN (AND IN WHAT ORDER) ARE TOASTS GIVEN AT A WEDDING RECEPTION?

It is up to the couple when toasts are given, though it makes sense to offer them when all guests are tucked away in one place—for example, when everyone is spooning up their berry parfaits.

While experts differ on the official order for toasts, it is agreed that the best man’s toast comes first. After that, it is appropriate for the maid/matron of honor, the couple’s parents, and the newlyweds to give speeches, although not necessarily in that order.

The couple should decide ahead of time whether it is suitable for people besides those listed above to give toasts at their reception. Although flattering to have others fawn over you, consider the attention span of your audience, who very well might rather be dancing. If your list of speeches is impossibly long, consider splitting them between the rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception.

For more on toasting etiquette, see May I Make a Toast, page 74.

HOW DO I LET GUESTS KNOW ABOUT MY WEDDING REGISTRY?

See How Do I Politely Notify Guests of a Registry for My Event, page 55.

WHEN SHOULD I PRESENT MY GIFTS TO THE WEDDING PARTY?

Give the gifts before the wedding, and, ideally, all at the same time. Arranging a festive lunch the week before the wedding offers a moment for you to lavish them with gratitude—but presenting the gifts at the rehearsal dinner or on the day of the wedding would work just as well. And see Gift Directory, page 42, for gift ideas for members of the wedding party.

HOW DO I FOLLOW UP WITH GUESTS WHO HAVEN’T RSVP ’D?

If the deadline for your RSVP has come and gone, give those naughty guests a few days (it’s always good to build some wiggle room into your wedding planning for late responders) and then follow up with each guest individually by phone. Be polite but direct: “Clayton and I would so love to share some bubbly at our wedding on June seventeenth—have you sorted out your calendar yet to see if you’ll be able to make it? I need to give the chef the final numbers by this Friday.” Be sure to get any other information you might need, for example, their choice of trout or filet mignon.

HOW, AND HOW MUCH, SHOULD I TIP MY WEDDING VENDORS?

If you sign a wedding contract for anything, it may include a gratuity, so always read the small print before adding a tip.

For many wedding services, tips are optional or not expected, but if your socks are knocked off and you want to offer a tip, it is never wrong to do so. If you do want to tip your wedding vendors, enlist the most punctilious member of your wedding party to distribute the tips.

In most situations, the tip should be given after completion of services, and if those services are rendered at the wedding, tip at the end of the reception. A notable exception is your officiant: If you wish to provide him or her with a tip, it’s best to do so at or before the rehearsal dinner. Of course, providing the tip anytime before the wedding will ensure excellent service. See the table on the following page for specific information about whom to tip and how much.

VENDOR

TIP

HOW MUCH

Wedding planner

Optional

10 to 20 percent

Hairstylist and makeup artist

Yes

15 to 25 percent

Officiant

Optional

$50 to $100 (plus a donation of $100 to $500 to the house of worship, if the ceremony takes place in one)

Delivery people (flowers, cake, tables and chairs, etc.)

Optional

$10 to $20 per person

Transportation provider (shuttle or bus driver; limo driver)

Optional

15 percent

Ceremony musicians

Optional

$15 to $20 per person

Band/deejay

Yes

10 to 15 percent, or $25 to $50 for each musician

Photographer/ videographer

Yes

$50 to $100 per person

Caterer

Yes, unless included in contract

15 to 20 percent

Reception-site staff (bartenders, waitstaff, coat checkers, etc.)

Optional

$20 to $50 per person

Reception-site coordinator/banquet manager

Optional

$50 per person

For more on tipping in other situations, see Tipping, page 221.

WEDDING Q&A (FOR GUESTS)

A WEDDING INVITATION STATES “BLACK TIE.” WHAT DO I WEAR?

Never fear—see Dress Codes for All Occasions, page 124.

CAN I WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING?

You may wear white, but be careful not to upstage the bride with your dress; choose a simple dress, preferably not floor-length, or add a mint-colored scarf and some gold bangles to separate yourself from the other lady in white. And if there is a lick of doubt or the nuptials will be of the more traditional variety, choose a different color.

WHAT TIME SHOULD I ARRIVE AT THE WEDDING?

At a wedding, it is always good to be early; arrive no later than 15–20 minutes before the start time. Good luck to you if you saunter in at the same moment the bride appears at the top of the aisle.

ON WHAT SIDE DO I SIT DURING THE WEDDING?

At a religious wedding, the guests traditionally sit on the side of the bride or the groom to show support for that individual in particular—how endearing. At Christian ceremonies, the bride often stands on the left and the groom on the right, and at Jewish weddings the order is reversed. In either case, family, friends, and other guests mirror that arrangement when they are seated. If you know both the bride and groom equally well, choose the side that has more open seating.

At a nondenominational wedding, if there is no usher directing you to a particular side, it is your choice. Do choose a seat closer to the front to prevent the bride from wondering why the pews look so scant, but not the first row (or second, if it’s a larger wedding), which is probably reserved for the parents.

CAN I TAKE AND POST PICTURES WITH MY PHONE DURING A WEDDING?

It is a bit unromantic for the bride to say “I do” with a hundred phones in her face. Surely the couple sorted out a photographer to document the ceremony, so why not leave your phone in your clutch? Taking pictures at the reception is another matter—if you see others snapping away, it’s probably all right for you to do so. But kindly spend more time being a charming guest than color-correcting your photos; and launching them onto social media is a terrible no-no. It is up to the bride and groom to post their own pictures when they get around to it, and you should refrain from doing so unless asked.

IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO ATTEND THE WEDDING BUT NOT THE RECEPTION, OR THE RECEPTION BUT NOT THE WEDDING?

Yes, and no. If you are able to attend one part of the wedding but not another, make it to the ceremony. Ditching the ceremony for the reception might give the impression that you are just there to get blitzed and gobble down a dozen free oysters.

If your schedule does not permit you to attend the reception, let the bride and groom know in your RSVP so they do not include you in the head count for a meal.

WHEN CAN I LEAVE A WEDDING?

After the cake is cut, and not a minute before.

DO I HAVE TO SEND A GIFT IF I WAS INVITED TO A WEDDING BUT DIDN’T ATTEND?

Whether you actually attend a wedding, receiving an invitation typically means a gift is required, with two exceptions: if the bride and groom are very casual acquaintances of yours, or if you haven’t seen them in many years. In these cases, a personal note congratulating the couple will suffice. Note that wedding announcements (cards sent after the event announcing the wedding and the new couple) carry with them no obligation to send a gift.

IS IT SUITABLE TO EAT THE WEDDING CAKE IF EITHER THE BRIDE OR GROOM JILTS THE OTHER AT THE ALTAR, THUS ABRUPTLY ENDING THE WEDDING?

Is the buttercream frosting whipped from the kitchen of Chef Alistair in Paris? Then absolutely, you must eat the cake. Otherwise, follow the lead from your hostess. She might suggest that the party goes on or otherwise will call the cars to take all guests back to the inn.

Do Note! (My Sad Wallet)

When you are invited to more than one wedding-related event, it’s proper to bring a gift to each. Decide how much you can afford to spend total, and then use the following as a guide to allocate your budget so you don’t overspend.

DUTIES OF THE WEDDING PARTY

Being asked to be in a wedding party might rouse excitement and dread in equal measure. Knowing your duties will ensure that you remain calm and compliant, perhaps allowing you to bask in the honor a little. And if, knowing the responsibilities, you feel you simply cannot, it is acceptable to politely decline. Be sure to give an honest reason, and try to think of another way you can support your friend.

BRIDESMAIDS

- Provide a listening ear to the bride during the wedding-planning process, particularly during inevitable disagreements with bossy family members or a panic over cake flavors.

- Purchase or rent appropriate wedding attire as per the bride’s directions. Sadly, this is not the moment to argue over a shade of lavender.

- Attend and/or host pre-wedding fêtes (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner).

- Assist the bride with any pre-wedding or wedding-day logistics as necessary.

- Stand in a receiving line if requested by the bride.

- Play hostess to guests during the reception, being cheery and answering queries such as, “Where should I put my gift of Floridian flamingos for the couple?”

ATTENTION, MAID OF HONOR, YOUR LIST CONTINUES

- Make wedding-registry information available to wedding invitees.

- Keep a list of gifts received during any pre-wedding parties so the couple can dash off thank-you notes.

- Spearhead the planning of the bachelorette party. May I encourage you to head toward a tiny island to soak up the sun?

- Troubleshoot any potential problems that come your way without bothering the bride. Make sure she is happy and floating in a sea of no drama.

- Ensure that the bride’s rouge and lipstick is impeccable and that not a hair is out of place. Arrange the bride’s dress and veil before and during the ceremony. Help with bustling her dress for the reception if necessary.

- Hold the groom’s ring during the ceremony and the bride’s flowers during the vows.

- Serve as a witness to the signing of the marriage license.

- Make sure the bride enjoys a few parmesan tuiles and canapés at the reception alongside her bubbly. A tipsy bride is merry, but a faint bride is dreadful.

- Offer a toast or brief speech at the reception, but perhaps skip the story about your long weekend in Vegas. After all, what happens there should stay there.

- Collect any gift envelopes at the reception for safekeeping.

GROOMSMEN

- Purchase or rent wedding attire as per the groom’s directions.

- Attend pre-wedding celebrations (engagement party, bachelor party, rehearsal dinner).

- Assist the groom with any pre-wedding or wedding-day logistics as necessary.

- Help plan and host the bachelor party.

- Serve as usher before the wedding ceremony, escorting all ladies and gentlemen to their seats (not just the foxy duchess you hope to dance with later).

- Stand in a receiving line if requested by the groom.

- Play host to guests during the reception and find ways to be helpful and charming, whether it’s dancing with all the old biddies or attaching ribbons and tin cans to the newlyweds’ getaway Rolls-Royce.

ATTENTION, BEST MAN, YOUR LIST CONTINUES

- Spearhead the planning of the bachelor party. Vegas is terribly obvious. . . . Why not jet to Monaco and toss the dice with the big fish?

- Troubleshoot any wedding-day groom- or groomsman-related issues.

- Serve as a witness to the signing of the marriage license.

- Make sure the groom gets something to eat at the reception before his third cocktail.

- Offer a toast at the reception. Do be a gentleman and skip the one about the forty-eight-hour lark that ended in a ladies’ saloon, not to be named.

- Distribute tips to wedding vendors the day of the wedding, with a smile and firm handshake.

Do Note! (Dear Newlyweds . . .)

The newlyweds drove away under a canopy of sparklers, and you are left skipping back to your suite whistling the band’s last tune. . . . What a spectacular party! Penning a note of gratitude to the wedding host or hosts, and to the couple themselves, will permanently put you on their future guest lists, not to mention making you seem like the stateliest individual ever. Now, who wouldn’t want that title?

Last Sunday I found myself heading toward downtown on my afternoon walk. On my way I tipped my hat to the gentleman passing, but he simply ignored my gesture. I then saw a terribly elegant woman whose dog was barking rudely at every person who passed, with no comment at all from his owner. And when I arrived at the local café, did anyone hold the door for me? I am distressed to report they did not.

Friends, let’s settle into this club chair and leaf through these pages to freshen up on the rules when we’re out and about. Keeping it civil about town or in the workplace is worth the practice, and herein lie the details.

PHONE ETIQUETTE Q&A

WHEN IS IT OK TO PUT SOMEONE ON SPEAKERPHONE?

The speakerphone function is useful when you are feeling industrious at work and need to take notes during a call or if there are several people in the room who need to be on the call. In these cases, always ask, “May I put you on speakerphone?” and make sure you tell the person what other people are in the room.

When driving and talking on speakerphone, please immediately let the caller know who else is in the car. This will spare your child the colorful language of your best mate.

Avoid using speakerphone in situations where your surroundings may be distracting to the person you’re calling. While you might find it a crowning achievement to chat with your brother while jogging on the treadmill, he might find it irritating.

DO I NEED TO RETURN A VOICE MAIL WITH A CALL OR CAN I TEXT BACK?

It is most fitting to return a message in the same method you received it. Of course, you may send a text if the voice mail requested specific information or if you are acknowledging a voice mail but need to call back later: Hucksley, thanks for your call. My hands are full dealing with my newly adopted Tibetan mastiff puppy. I will call you tomorrow!

On the other hand, if someone texts you and you want to call them to respond, it is best to text back to ask permission first: Are you free for a phone call now?

HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT FOR A REPLY BEFORE TEXTING AGAIN?

If you haven’t received a response in twenty-four hours and desperately need one, text again. If another day passes, pick up the phone or dash off an e-mail.

WHEN IS IT OK TO USE MY PHONE’S CAMERA?

Please don’t be crafty in your interpretation of “no photography.” It means your phone’s camera is off-limits. It is also considered bad manners to photograph strangers without asking their permission, especially if you’re in an area that would be considered private, such as a store’s fitting room or a gym’s locker room. If you’re on the sidewalk and taking a photo of the sights around you, step to the side so you don’t impede passersby.

If you would like to take a picture while in a large crowd (for example, when seeing the Boston Symphony Orchestra at Tanglewood), be speedy and do not use your flash, so as not to ruin the performance for others. Taking video of any performance is considered a serious no-no. If you must (your sister is the lead cellist), ask first and then stand in the back of the auditorium.

CAN I CHECK MY PHONE WHEN I’M OUT WITH FRIENDS?

Are we forever tethered to these ruinous beasts? You may certainly use your phone while out with friends to get directions or see if a blizzard is on the way, but try to be disciplined about checking your phone too often. Some people are more bothered by phone use than others, so assess the feelings of the group before pulling out your phone. If you’re expecting an important call, e-mail, or text, let your friends know beforehand that you may be checking your phone briefly, and be sure to keep it brief. Then try to stay in the moment and enjoy your friends’ company and the bowl of delicious pommes frites in front of you.

HOW CAN I LEAVE A BETTER VOICE MAIL?

Clear your throat beforehand, speak slowly and clearly, and always leave your name and number twice. If possible, it’s nice to leave the reason for your call and a time when you will be free to receive a return call.

HOW CAN I BE BETTER AT SENDING TEXT MESSAGES?

Texting is ideal for situations when a phone call would disturb those around you, when you need specific information, or when figuring out logistics. Don’t text when a handwritten letter or hearty conversation is called for, and avoid texting in professional contexts.

Try to respond to texts as soon as you see them, if possible, or within twenty-four hours at most. Don’t leave a conversation hanging. A simple Thanks or OK lets the sender know you received the message. (See Do Note! [Too Late—or Early—to Call?], page 200, for details on when to time your calls and texts.)

Save yourself from potential embarrassment or misunderstanding by reviewing texts for errors and appropriateness before you send them, including verifying the recipient. Be aware that punctuation can make you sound unintentionally formal or even angry; a well-placed emoji can help convey your feelings. And limit yourself to no more than three gin gimlets before texting.

It cannot be said enough: Never, ever, ever text and drive. And while walking, make sure that your texting does not put you in danger or make you a nuisance. When buying escarole at the local market, do not hand the shop boy money in between texting. Show respect by giving him your attention during the transaction.

WHEN IT IS OK TO MAKE OR TAKE A CALL

NEVER

- In a public powder room

- During a movie, play, or other quiet event

- When buying coffee in the morning or otherwise interacting with a store employee

- While driving down the freeway or anywhere else

- At the dinner table

- In a house of worship

WITH DISCRETION

If you must take or make a necessary or urgent call,be sure to excuse yourself first, keep it brief, and keep your voice down.

- During a meal

- In a waiting room

- On the ski lift in the Alps, or other public locale where others cannot escape your conversation

- On public transportation

- In a locker room after a spin class

- While spending time with a friend

(For more details, see Phone Etiquette Q&A, page 194.)

Do Note! (Too Late—or Early—to Call?)

Don’t place phone calls before nine a.m. or after nine p.m. unless you know for certain the person you are trying to reach is an early bird or a night owl. The same goes for texting.

A PRIMER: E-MAIL

- Try to choose an e-mail address with your name or at least initials. Leave clever non-name e-mail addresses to the middle-school crowd.

- Include a relevant and brief subject line for every e-mail.

- Double- and triple-check an e-mail before hitting send. Thanks to autocorrect, some words can get crafty and change into nefarious little things if you don’t keep an eye on them. (See Do Note! [Sent Too Early], page 202, for tips on avoiding this situation.)

- Reply All should be used as sparingly as hot-pepper flakes. And when sending to a large group, consider adding recipients as BCC to head off potential “Read All” debacles.

- USE ALL CAPS IF YOU ARE FURIOUS AND WANT TO APPEAR TO BE IN A FIT OF RAGE. Otherwise it is best avoided. Excessive abbreviations, emojis, and exclamation points can similarly send out the wrong message in an otherwise professional e-mail.

- People adore a robust signature, especially later when they are rooting around for your phone number. Include your name, e-mail address, phone number, and address (if appropriate).

- Please muster the incredible willpower needed to avoid sending e-mails you know shouldn’t be written or would be mortified by if they were forwarded to others. Similarly, pick up the phone in those moments when you feel a personal touch might be appropriate. When in doubt, call.

- Humor and sarcasm are easily misunderstood in e-mail, so do tread lightly.

Do Note! (Sent Too Early!)

To avoid an awkward moment, consider adding the e-mail addresses of message recipients after you finish drafting the e-mail. That way you can avoid the pesky problem of hitting Send earlier than intended.

E-MAIL AND SOCIAL MEDIA ETIQUETTE Q&A

HOW LONG CAN I WAIT TO REPLY TO AN E-MAIL?

For those of us who are impressively coordinated, answering an e-mail within twenty-four hours is no biggie. For those who are less organized, let’s do our best and tack on a light apology if it is late. Of course, sending a preemptive note sharing when you will respond buys you some time.

After sending an e-mail, give the recipient forty-eight hours to respond before following up, unless you specified that the message was urgent, such as when asking, Did you turn the oven off after making those scrumptious strawberry popovers?

WHEN IS IT OK TO SEND A THANK-YOU E-MAIL INSTEAD OF A WRITTEN NOTE?

See A Sampling of Correspondence, page 22.

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO SEND OR REMOVE MYSELF FROM MASS E-MAILS?

If you are bold enough to send a group e-mail of a dancing donkey video—or something slightly more important, such as news of the arrival of your twins, Ezra and George—use BCC (blind carbon copy) so your readers won’t have to wade through an endless parade of names to get to the actual e-mail, and to protect recipients from the dreaded Reply All. If you are a recipient of a group e-mail and wish to be removed, e-mail only the sender and write something honest and cheerful, such as, I am drowning in e-mails! Would you mind leaving me out for a bit?

IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO FORWARD E-MAILS TO OTHERS?

Always dash off a little note as to why you are forwarding something, particularly if there is an instruction: Oh, dear Charles, it looks like we forgot to submit the proper paperwork to get our annual ski pass. Would you please read and take care of it? xo, Linus. If appropriate, clean up the original e-mail a bit, deleting superfluous information, before you send it on its way. And if it is terribly personal, request permission from the originator before sending it on.

IS THERE A POLITE WAY TO UNFRIEND SOMEONE?

Those geniuses in Silicon Valley make it easy-peasy to unfriend, block, or hide someone without them ever knowing. As long as you don’t alert the people you’ve unfriended, blocked, or hidden, they will probably be none the wiser.

WHAT ARE THE RULES AROUND DECLINING A FRIEND REQUEST?

It is not bad manners to decline, delete, or ignore a friend request. That said, if the person who has friended you is someone you see every morning while buying a croissant or is in your son’s grammar-school classroom, it might be a good idea to accept.

Do Note! (A Little Privacy Please?)

Always check the privacy settings on your social media accounts to make sure your posts are visible only to the people you intend to see them. It’s a good idea to get familiar with privacy options when puttering about a new social media tool for the first time, so that you aren’t caught with your drawers down (so to speak) at a later date.

ETIQUETTE FOR A NEW JOB

Hip hip hooray, you landed a new post in the most fashionable office in town. Putting your best foot forward is critical, but often easier said than done. Here are a few tips to get you started.

- Your parents imparted impeccable manners to you, so now is the time to exercise them, even if it feels somewhat forced or others are informal. Pleases, thank-yous, bless-yous, holding doors, and saying good morning and good evening to those around you are just as important in the office as in other areas of life.

- Pop into your office before your boss arrives, and leave after he departs. Look eager and take on assignments with positivity and thoughtfulness. And avoid overcommitting to a project you cannot deliver on, and make sure you set clear expectations.

- Keep all complaining for your friends who will ply you with cocktails later at the bar.

- Never be too timid to ask questions.

- Avoid mentioning you are horrifyingly hungover.

- Avoid any trysts with colleagues, drinking too much at holiday fêtes, or finding yourself in a swimsuit at the corporate outing.

- Keep personal stories clean and short—no need to yammer on about the boy you fled to Montreal with this past weekend.

- Befriend the gentleman who runs the security desk, the lady cleaning in the wee hours of the night, and the working actress who answers the phone. Everyone deserves courtesy, and it reflects well on you to give it.

- If you must eat at your desk, consider proper plates, silverware, and a cloth napkin. It might bring a dash of sophistication to your image. More preferably, leave for lunch to at least walk around the block for some fresh air.

COMMUNICATIONS IN AND AROUND THE OFFICE Q&A

CAN I USE MY WORK E-MAIL ADDRESS FOR PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE?

Ideally, you should have two separate e-mail addresses so you don’t send your thoughts on painting your bedroom blue to the wrong Henry. If you use only a work e-mail account, be mindful of how much time you spend writing personal e-mails during the day, lest you become unproductive. (The same goes for using your personal e-mail account from your work computer.)

SHOULD I KEEP MY PHONE ON VIBRATE OR CAN I TURN ON THE RINGER?

Keeping your ringer on at a low volume at the office is acceptable, but it is preferable to keep it on vibrate, especially in an open office setting. If you do choose to keep the ringer on, be conscious of the ringtone and how it makes you appear. If you want your boss to think you are a rapper circling about in his limo, by all means, keep that fly beat on your phone.

UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD I GET A PROFESSIONAL SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT?

It’s best to keep the personal and professional separate on social media. Do not post personal items on your work-related account unless directly relevant. And while you may use your personal social media accounts to promote your work, if it is the only thing you are posting, consider creating a professional account for that purpose.

MUSI I INVITE COWORKERS TO A WEDDING OR OTHER FORMAL EVENT?

Even though you spend gobs of time with your workmates, you have no obligation to invite them to your wedding—you may restrict the list to those you see regularly outside of work and consider friends. If you are inviting any coworkers, however, it’s a good idea to extend invitations to your immediate boss and your assistant, if you are so fortunate to have one.

HOW DO I GIVE A GIFT TO AN EMPLOYEE?

The holidays provide a perfect time to give your team a little treat to show them that their work is appreciated. Steer clear of anything terribly personal or unprofessional (no lacy bits!), and avoid uncomfortably extravagant gifts. Gift cards (to stores or restaurants), gifts used on the job, and gourmet foods are all superb (and safe) ideas. Spend about the same amount of money on each team member and, if possible, give out all gifts at the same time (for example, at a festive holiday luncheon with scrumptious oysters). Or, if your company can manage it, surprising employees with an extra day of vacation may be the best treat of all.

Though employers may give employees gifts, employees should not be expected to give gifts to bosses. You can gracefully sidestep this potentially thorny issue by preemptively informing your reports that you don’t expect gifts from them. Say something like, “Oh, Atlas, doing your job well is all the gift I need.”

But if the season strikes you as an employee, consider being modest. A classic book or box of taffy from your hometown is perfectly appropriate.

ABOUT TOWN Q&A

SHOULD I SAY HELLO TO PEOPLE I PASS ON THE STREET?

Your world will be rosier if you try to make eye contact with others as you pass, “hello” optional. If you and a stranger find yourselves in a hallway or walking along a quiet street in a small community, definitely make eye contact and say “good day” upon passing.

FOR WHOM SHOULD I HOLD THE DOOR?

If you decide to hold the door, commit to it and wait until everyone files through, even if the line becomes a band of strangers. Certainly older individuals, those with imposing packages or strollers, and anyone whom you feel deserves this show of respect.

HOW DO I HANDLE A DOG IN PUBLIC?

When sashaying Lucky the dog about town, make sure to always keep him reined in on a short leash, especially when approaching or chatting with children, the elderly, fellow dogs, bicyclists, and, of course, the postman. When you need to pop into the florist to pick up an armful of peonies, tie up sweet Lucky outside and make sure you can see him. Always clean up after your pup (absolutely no exceptions). Finally, even though Lucky has adorable apricot curls, please don’t assume other people or dogs will adore him as much as you do. Inquire before approaching others with him.

HOW SHOULD I BEHAVE IN AN ELEVATOR?

“Next floor, ladies’ lingerie and gloves!” When the elevator doors open, offer priority to elderly people and mothers with tots stepping on or off the elevator. And if the elevator is crowded, kindly wait for the next one. Once inside, please don’t stand directly in front of the doors; do move to the back or to the side. If you are standing next to the operating board, offer to press the buttons for others. Try to keep any chatter to a minimum, and no phone calls, please. When it’s time to disembark, absolutely no pushing; chirping a sweet “excuse me” will get you off the elevator in a timely fashion.

WHAT IS THE POLITE WAY TO BEHAVE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?

Subways, buses, and trains, oh my! Keep things crisp, seamless, and tidy: Please have your fare ready and keep doorways clear. This means moving to the center of the subway or the back of the bus. Your bags from Bergdorf’s should be on your lap, never taking up another seat. Pregnant ladies, children, the elderly, and the disabled always get your seat, even if you just finished an eighteen-hour workday. Painting your nails, touching up your makeup, brushing your teeth, or clipping your nails is strictly forbidden. Save eating your pungent camembert for when you get home. And never put your feet up on another seat!

Kindly keep all chatter to a low hum, and use headphones to listen to music. Although your discussion of the chap you met last night might be of interest to your fellow passengers, they should not be forced to listen to it. And when disembarking, smile and warble a happy “thank you” to the conductor or driver.

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO MANAGE AN UMBRELLA IN PUBLIC?

Use the smallest possible umbrella if you will be in a space with many people. Save your golf umbrella for the ninth hole at Saint Andrews. If you are taller than the villager passing you, raise your umbrella. If you are shorter, lower it.

Shake off your umbrella before entering a building and store it in their rack or in a plastic bag. Never put a wet umbrella on a seat. And hold your umbrella point down, as opposed to under your arm, during the one hour of clear skies in the day.

SHOULD YOU TATTLE ON THE NEIGHBORHOOD TEENS IF YOU SEE THEM SKINNY-DIPPING IN YOUR NEIGHBOR’S POOL?

It depends on the magnitude of the teens’ shenanigans and should be approached on a case-by-case basis. If harm is being done to the property (or certainly to themselves), casually mention it to your neighbor. Otherwise, let teens be teens . . . otherwise you might find your trees tangled in toilet paper.

A PRIMER: WAITING IN A QUEUE

- If a fellow citizen looks rushed, is long in the tooth, or toting about children, be a champion and let him go ahead of you.

- Go on and use your phone, just quietly.

- Do chat softly with your neighbor about the price of Caspian Sea caviar.

- Avoid crowding people, saving a place in line for a friend, or grumbling about the wait time.

- Cutting in line is a cardinal no-no, unless you’ve organized your time poorly and are about to miss your flight to Bangkok. In this case, muster your politest voice and beg those in front of you for mercy.

- Once you’ve reached the front, be a dear and take care of your business as quickly as you can.

Do Note! (Revolving Doors)

Traditionally, a man pushed a revolving door for his little lady, but today anyone may parade his or her good manners and lead so the person behind them doesn’t need to lift a finger. One person per compartment, please, even if you are lovebirds who hate to be separated.

A PRIMER: DRESSING APPROPRIATELY

- When performing your toilette, do try to show to yourself and the world that dressing was not an afterthought. Immediately dismiss all clothes with tears or stains. Unless you have a one-year-old, stains on your cardigan are pitiful.

- If an item is wrinkled, iron it.

- As you make your way around the globe, take special care to wear clothing that reflects the religious or cultural customs of your destination.

- Dressing appropriately shows respect for those around you, especially in situations where conservative or formal clothing is called for, such as funerals and weddings. Avoid attire that would make others uncomfortable.

(See Dress Codes for All Occasions, page 124, for more advice on the appropriate dress for anything fancier than a casual jaunt about town.)

Do Note! (No Ifs, Ands, or Butts)

Cigarette butts should be adequately extinguished and put in the rubbish, not thrown on the grassy lawn or curb. Whether you are smoking a cigarette or using a vaporizer, do not start puffing in somebody’s home unless you ask first. While it’s acceptable to puff away on the street as you walk from fête to fête, do be considerate of the people around you. Step to the side so that passersby need not inhale your secondhand raspberry-cinnamon exhaust.

TIPPING

If the maître d’ gets you a last-minute table on your anniversary, or the barista makes your latte just so, it might be worth offering a tip in addition to your usual kindness and respect. The chart below outlines many common scenarios in which a tip would be appropriate, and it details the tip amount and how to offer it. If you are ever uncertain whether a tip is warranted in a certain situation, simply ask, “Do you accept tips?” And for scenarios where tips are more likely to be needed, such as while traveling, carrying $20 to $50 cash in small bills will ensure you always have enough money to tip appropriately.

SERVICE PROVIDER

TIP

Waitstaff

Always tip on the pretax total, including drinks; 20 percent at a sit-down restaurant; 10 percent at a buffet

Restaurant maître d’

None, unless he/she goes above and beyond, for example finding you a table on a fully booked night; in that case give $10 to $20.

Food delivery person (pizza, etc.)

10 to 15 percent of the bill, with a $5 minimum

Sommelier

None if you tip on the total check, including wine

Barista/counter staff at cafés

None required; give $1 for extra service, or tip occasionally if you are there every morning at eight.

Bartender

$1 to $2 per drink, or 15 to 20 percent of the total tab

Coatroom attendant

$1 per coat

Bathroom attendant

50¢ to $2

Valet parking attendant

$2 to $5

Skycap

$2 for the first bag, $1 for each additional bag

Bellhop

$2 for the first bag, $1 for each additional bag, $2 for any additional service (such as bringing a crib or cot to the room)

Taxi driver

15 to 20 percent of the fare, with a $1 minimum; if the driver loads bags for you, $2 for the first bag, $1 for each additional bag

Doorman

$1 to $2 for hailing a cab; $1 to $4 for carrying luggage; plus a little more in inclement weather

Concierge

None for answering simple questions; $5 to $10 for making a restaurant reservation or securing event tickets; if the reservation/ticket was hard to get, tip $15 to $20

Hotel housekeeper

$2 to $5 per day (Note: Leave a tip each day of your stay, as housekeepers may be different from day to day. A note reading Housekeeping—Thank you helps keep things clear.)

Hairstylist, barber, aesthetician, massage therapist, or manicurist

15 to 20 percent, with a minimum of $1, divided among the people who provided the service

Etiquette need not be complicated or frightening, and it is my hope that this guide has helped make it simpler. When in doubt, just flip back through these pages and I’ll be here to remind you of the proper way to behave.